Road to Overcoming

After 16 months of trying to live a life without Billy, I thought I would have some answers to my many questions. I have some stories of God's grace and mercy to me but I can't say that I have any answers. The only revelation that I have is that this battle to overcoming grief is a discipline of seeking God and looking for His guidance one day (or hour) at a time. I gave a teaching at my church several years ago about Naomi from the Book of Ruth. It is a fascinating story of a woman who left her country with her husband and two sons searching for provision in a foreign land. While in that land, her sons married foreign women, then her husband and both sons died. She decides to go home and one of her daughter-in-laws wants to go with her because she loves her. Remember, when I gave this talk I had not experienced this awful grief. I just felt like I could really understand this woman. Naomi tells her friends when she gets back to Bethlehem, "don't call me Naomi,Call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me." Read the Book of Ruth. It has a great ending. Naomi discovers that God has a bigger plan. His plan for her was to give her a wonderful grandchild that would not only take care of her but also make her a great-grandmother to David and the ancestor of Jesus. An ordinary widow has an important place in the full telling of God's story. Billy blessed each member of this family to know and walk in our complete destiny. My children and grandchild are all on the road to overcoming and we WILL see HIS STORY worked out in our lives.

Your Inheritance

Are you depositing in your heavenly account? Read Matthew 25:35-40. When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on His glorious throne.........Then the king will say to those on his right. Enter, you who are blessed by my Father. Take what's coming to you in the kingdom (your inheritance) It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why.

I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.

Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me-You did it to me.
I am going to meet my group at the prison to discuss Chapters 2 and 3 in Billy's book. Remember my question today: Are you depositing in your heavenly account today? It's better than silver or gold.

My Inheritance - Part #4

I met James in one of my small groups. In these groups the guys would tell us their personal stories. Each story was full of painful experiences that most had never told anyone else. James's story was particularly gripping. He had been a witness to his fathers rages and violent attacks on his mother and siblings. One day he attacked back and soon Dad moved out. He shared that he dreamed every night of the different ways that he could kill his father. "Mrs.Crain," he said," I just can't do this. I love Jesus, but I can't forgive that man." I knew that we just needed to pray for God to show James His love and His power. He agreed to just ask God to make him willing to be willing to forgive. A few weeks later, James showed me a letter that he had written his dad. "Dear Dad. I have always hated you for what you did to us. I am a Christian now and I need to forgive you even though you were a terrible father. .James. "James, do you think that you could change any of this to be softer, I said." "No. Mam," he replied. We prayed over the letter and he gave it to his case-manager who was able to find the right address. I knew it was a miracle that he could even write this much. James got a letter back from his dad." Mrs. Crain, thank you, thank you, I heard from my Dad. He is a Christian and he asked me to forgive him. He wants to come see me" Wow! Isn't God amazing. There is more. A month later when James's dad did come we found out that the dad had a business and offered James a job when he got out of prison.His business was music production and James was a talented musician. God is still in the business of miracles.

Do you have miracles in your life? Today or in the past. Please let me know about them because they build my faith just like James did. Our God is Amazing.

My Inheritance - Part #3

Four years ago, Billy and I were introduced to a ministry that was perfect for us and for the guys at IFI. It was called -Experiencing the Father's Embrace-By Jack Frost. The foundational principle was that it was difficult to experience God's unconditional love when you had a parent, especially a father who demonstrated the opposite. Most of the men in prison had absent or abusive fathers. Forgiveness for their fathers or themselves as fathers was impossible to imagine. We would give talks about our own experiences with forgiveness and then pray with the guys. Tears and hugs were shared as Billy and the other male volunteers would stand in for their fathers and ask for forgiveness. When the guards would ask us to leave at 8:45,many of them were crying.

I have been able to forgive my parents and myself as a parent by recognizing God's gentle nudges through memories and circumstances. We aren't wounded in one event and usually it takes several prayers to feel a healed heart. This last year since Billy's absence I felt my father's absence again. My prayers for myself and from others has been that I recognize my Daddy God's presence in a deeper way. I have prayed to forgive my earthly dad again and I have found God's faithful love in everything from hugs from friends to the beautiful cardinals that show up in the shadow of the trees, to the wonderful worship that I experienced at Calvary Community Church this morning.

How do you experience God's love? If you don't, do you need to forgive a parent or anyone?

My Inheritance-Part #2

It was January 1997 when I met the first group of guys in the IFI program. They were so happy to be in this safe environment. Several told me that this was the first time they had slept with both eyes shut since coming to prison. They were invited to transfer to this prison if they didn't
have a violent case since coming to prison. They were made aware of the content of the program and agreed to a mentor from the Houston or Dallas areas. The reason for the last critera was that Churches in these areas had agreed to provide mentors for these guys when they were released to give even more encouragement to get help before returning to the "old ways". We had a new group of guys to work with every four months. It was a great experience to watch them share what they had learned in the classes with their adult family members on Thursday nights. We saw reconciliation with parents,wives, sisters and brothers. God was always present. We were regularly asked,"why do you come here?"> It seemed so obvious to us, "Because, Jesus is here".

You need to give the Jesus in you away and then He comes back to you. It really works, try it.

My Inheritance - Part #1

Over the last 11 years, I have spent over 4000 hours in prison. Phone calls to my house from friends for social invitations would be greated with, "Oh, I'm sorry we can't come, we have prison tonight. Billy and I loved going to the Carol Vance Unit and bringing God's love to the inmates. We felt more at home there than we could ever have imagined. Billy was a volunteer chaplain and often spent lunch hours and Saturdays praying with one of his adopted sons there.
Billy had been mentoring a young man at the Central Unit when he heard about a new prison program opening up 5 minutes from our house. George Bush was Governor of Texas and was exploring a faith-based program to reduce the recidivism rate of prisoners. The program was to be called the Inner Change Freedom Initiative and was staffed by Chuck Colson's Prison Fellowship.
It was a sobering experience to stand at the gate, wait patiently until the guards took my drivers license, then walk through several gates. Each gate slams behind you and you are encaged until the guard releases the next gate. While standing in the cage you can look up and see the beautiful starry night in Sugarland, Texas. The view is somewhat obstructed as you look into the circled barbed wire that quickly reminds you that you want out of here a.s.a.p. There is always that momentary skipped heart beat until the lock on the gate is released and you "get out".

(Aside - I was just wondering how many things God keeps me from getting out of prematurely.)

Training

I had a great class today at prison with Dad's Lessons from the Sandlot. We discussed the little league stories and the importance of coaches,parents, and teachers. Several of the guys had stories of talent in sports. All of them had broken homes or parents that didn't discipline them. They repeated common themes of parents not wanting to see the rebellion and the pain of not feeling supported. The opportunity to quit always presented itself. One man lost a college scholarship and several didn't finish highschool. All of them agreed that the training from the early days is still with them. They are finishing their GED's and taking every opportunity to learn. So quitting can be temporary.
I have felt like quitting many things this year. It is too hard without Billy. Learning to write, publish this book, give talks, writing this blog are all things that require more discipline than I am comfortable with and yet I keep pressing forward. Because....I believe God. Because I have been encouraged and loved by family and friends.
THE MESSAGE: Hebrews 12:7-13 God is educating you, that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment, it's training, the normal experience of children......We respect out own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live?.....It's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

Guidance

After Billy discovered the importance and power of a blessing, he started writing a blessing to each family member every Monday on our emails. I plan to put them into a book form but today I want to give you one that I think you need to love those around you.

When I meditated on the word guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable.
When one person realizes and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word guidance. When I saw "G," I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i" dance. God,you, and I dance. This statement is what guidance means to me. As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies be upon you and your family. May you abide in Him as He abides in you. Dance together with God, trusting Him to lead and to guide you through each season of your life.

Don't be Afraid

I knew that I wanted to give talks to small groups about the book. When I was invited to talk to the Sunday class at St. Timothy's Anglican Church, I was excited. But as the time grew close I became anxious. Questions flooded my mind,"Would I forget the important things?" or more likely "Would I cry the entire time?" I prayed that God would make me more comfortable with doing these talks. Then He reminded me that this was about Him and not me. Yeah!!! You can't go wrong when He's the one doing the work. It was a small but very attentive group and I felt good about this beginning. Thank you again Andy for your faithfulness to get this started. The scripture that I think is so important for the work of Finding God in Your Story is the the same scripture that gave me peace today. Deuteronomy 7:17-19- Remember, yes, remember in detail what God, your God, did to Pharaoh and all Egypt. Remember the great contests to which you were eyewitnesses:the miracle-signs, the wonders, God's mighty hand as he stretched out his arm and took you out of there. God, YOUR GOD, is going to do the same thing to these people (situations) you're now so afraid of. The Message Bible. Are you writing your stories? Are you looking for God's Lessons in your life?
God Bless you all

Sticks and Stones

We all know that the spoken word is powerful. We have a lifetime of hurt if an important person in our childhood called us something like "You stupid.....". We tend to think that if someone corrects us or disagrees with us they are calling us "stupid". Therefore we get very angry and the conversation gets ugly very fast. We were in many of these "discussions" before we learned that most of our triggers were really unhealed "bitter roots." Hebrews 12:15. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God that no root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by it many be defiled. Billy and I would in the middle of any conversation give the other permission to question if this was a trigger to a bitter root. It is not easy to answer that question when you know you are RIGHT about something. Unloving conversation is never OK. Strong disagreement could always be managed without rude comments or extreme emotions. The next step would be to apologize, maybe agree to disagree for a time and pray about what might have caused this unloving reaction. After learning this, we never went to bed without a necessary apology. Love is always an action word. Can you apologize? If not, what is your bitter root?

Words that Heal

Do you remember the letters that I told you about that Billy wrote me from A&M when I was in high school and college? It isn't surprizing that letters were the major source of healing for this broken marriage. I can't remember when or who began to talk about Marriage Encounter. Several of our new friends went to this weekend experience and loved it. The intent of the weekend was to develop intimacy in communication between a husband and wife. Boy, did we need that! And a weekend without kids, hallalujah! We arrived at a very peaceful retreat center in southwest Houston called "The Cenacle". The talk on Friday night was given by a couple who shared how writing letters to each other had transformed their marriage. Billy and I knew immediately that we were in the right place. The schedule for the weekend included a lot of time to write and share with just each other. A few talks were given to keep us on the right path. The rules were 1. Write for 10 minutes using only "How something made me feel". 2. Share each letter with your spouse, allowing only 5 minutes each of listening and sharing of feelings from the letters. Example: Billy's letter" When you start an argument late at night, I am too tired to think and it makes me feel totally inadequate and a failure at meeting your needs " My (silent) response was "this is the only time I can get your attention" I learned to say "I am sorry that you feel inadequate to meet my needs" My letter would read,"when we argue, I don't feel heard. I feel invisable." Billy's response was" I am sorry that you feel like I don't see or hear you". We would end these exchanges with I love you and I want you to feel my love. This didn't solve any problems but it put us on the same team. We started a small group when we returned home of other couples like Norma and Bob Burlingame who wanted better marriages. After some time of weekly writing and sharing, we grew to really understand each other and started growing closer to that one flesh experience that we had before Billy went home. We all need to work this hard to discover the wonder in our spouse, friends, family and even strangers. His glory is in us. I love you and I believe you can have this love.

New Journey

I will resume the marriage stories tomorrow. Tonight, I want to tell you about my new journey in prison ministry. I started a small group today with a group of men using Billy's book and the questions after the chapters. It is still hard being in this unit, remembering all the small groups that Billy and I did together here. I don't want this group to be about me, but I knew after they read Billy's journal in the preface, that I needed to talk to them about who he was and how important faith and intimacy with God was to him. They asked the question that many people have asked me,"Did he know that he was going to die?" He knew it as much as you and I know that we will all die. As Christians we know we will be with the Lord so we are not afraid. Billy had a strong hunger to know intimacy with God on this earth. He spent times of silence and prayer on regular retreats. He spent many nights falling asleep reading his Bible. We both had weekly communion together in our home. We prayed together daily, well almost daily. He and I did these things because we knew life did not go well when we let any of these things slack. Joy with each other was parallel with intimacy with God. All this to say, his journal entries of a letter to himself from God and the next night a letter from him to God was a part of this search for more intimacy. I think God couldn't stand to not have all of him another day. This was the day God just reached down and said I will hold you in a way you will never forget. Come to Papa

Community

The word "community" means so many different things. For us at Redeemer in 1972,it meant being connected to other people in living out a daily life of commitment to Jesus in each other. I heard a sermon at Sugarland Vineyard this past Sunday about community. They were encouraging everyone to be apart of some small group. I agree. Billy and I knew that without community we wouldn't be married. So we were compelled to get help from our wiser friends when we had any unresolveable disagreements. At first we needed this counseling weekly. We could call and get help at nights and weekends. Someone was always available. I want to say a special thank you to Andy Austin for all the hours that he gave us. As we started to be more healed and stronger, we loved giving this experience away to other couples and individuals who needed help. I love to hear from people who felt like Billy and I helped them the way we were helped.

Can I Change?

When we made the commitment to give our marriage to God and to stay together,we moved into the neighborhood near the Church. We were both aware of our need for supernatural help to suceed in this marriage. We were compelled to receive everything that was offered. That included Tuesday night teachings, Friday night services, Sunday services. We loved everything, well almost everything. I started hearing about this "household living" that almost all of the congregation was participating in. They were using the scriptures about the church in Acts. The new believers at that time were sharing everything in common. Well,Jennifer, the extravert wanted no part of this. I liked my own home, space, privacy. I wanted more control of my life that this household plan allowed. I thought that I had convinced my quiet husband that we didn't need this part of the church life. Then,one day he came sheepishly to me and said that he felt the Lord told him that we should have a "household. "What, I screamed, No Way! Don't bring this up again". He quietly withdrew from the conversation. But, every week he would remind me that God had told him that we were to be involved in this church lifestyle. After about four weeks, I agreed to pray about what Billy was saying. I barely prayed the prayer, when I felt an unusual excitement about having people live with us. I immediately told Billy and withing a day we had a meeting with the Elders. I cried for days because I couldn't feel that initial joy any longer. A week later James Cappleman and Gay Johnson moved into our home. Our son Brad loved them. I loved this full home and family life. Meals were wonderful times of sharing and laughter. When Billy was too quiet, someone else would ask him what was going on. More people were in and out of our home for over 10 years. Many of these people I still hear from regularly. People from all over the world began to hear about this revival in the East End of Houston, Texas and come visit. I learned to love being alone and having quiet times with the Lord. I am more of an introvert while Billy excelled as a teacher and mentor. I believe God is always challenging us to get out of our comfort zones and learn to be full of everything that He has for us. Change!!!!

Thank God for Differences

* My friend Sarah Hightower just called to tell me how she and a friend are using Billy's book as a weekly study and report some personal discoveries. The only reason for this book is to lead others to more understanding of God in their lives. I was so blessed by my sweet friend taking the time to call me and tell me this news while she continues to take care of her wonderful husband who is attended to by hospice in their home. I love you Wayne and Sarah

Back to the story: Some people identify themselves as introverts and some extraverts. They use a definition that measures an introvert as a quiet person who prefers to be alone and an extravert as an outgoing, talkative person who always wants to be with people. Billy loved hitting golf balls at a range for hours and many individual projects. I intrepreted this as not wanting to be with me. My constant complaints were, "You don't want to talk to me, you must not love me. Later, I learned that an introvert ( Billy) could get energized by these alone activities. I was always energized by sharing and being with friends.(extravert) When we learned to listen to each other, we learned to love and compromise with these differences. We both changed. I became more disciplined and he began to share his feelings. Do you see how we needed both the intro and the extra?

God Appointments

Before I continue with the stories, I need to tell you that I have missed Billy terribly today. I see him everywhere and I remember everything that we did on 2007 and 2008. Maybe 9/11 had something to do with it. I know alot of people are grieving today. Losing someone you love is always difficult even though you know you will see them in heaven. Thank you for listening to my pain.

The God appointments began when I met Carol and Gene Antill. They were so kind to me. They spent time with me, talked to me about my situation and eventually told me about their faith in God the the church that had changed their lives. While this was comforting, I drove home and didn't give a thought to following through with them or their church. I had me to worry about. Billy and I got together to talk about the divorce. We needed to agree about the finances. After fighting for a half hour or so, I told him what a horrible person he was and he countered with all my character flaws. I had an idea in the middle of this argument. " Billy, let's go to church tonight to get better at talking. He immediately said, "OK". Look at the logic here. These two sentences don't go together. I called Carol and she directed me to the time and location of the service. When we walked in the back door, Carol was looking for us. We sat there in amazement. I had never experienced such joy or peace. The atmosphere was full of the presence of God. After the service, we drove home in silence. I don't remember who said it first, but we both said that we wanted to give our marriage to God and work this out. Remember, I told you that we had been married for 5 years,well, for the next 35 years we worked hard on this marriage. We had two more beautiful children and 8 grandchildren. All of our children married into families where
there is no divorce. I believe we have been given a family blessing of not just good, but great marriages because we were willing to say "yes to God in an impossible situation.

Marriage/Divorce

We were married on June 9,1967. Reality hits hard when you live in a fantasy, happily ever after world like I did. While Billy could write, he couldn't talk. I wanted to be with someone that constantly revealed their feelings and thoughts to me. I loved romance novels and soap operas. This marriage was not what I thought it should be. We fought(need I say more). Most young couples soon understand the shock of marriage verses dating. Ours was worse because I came from a divorced family. I wanted Billy to make up for everything that my father's absense had created in my needy heart. We did everything that couples do to distract themselves from reality. We had a baby and bought a house. That should make everything normal,right? After 5 years of this, we agreed to separate. This continued long enough that we couldn't stand each other and I filed for divorce. The divorce proceedings just produced more fighting. The marriage was dead.

INFATUATION

Billy and I met when I was 15 and he was 19. I was a sophomore at Bellaire HS in Bellaire, Texas. Billy was a Sophomore at Texas A&M. Everyone knew him because Bellaire won the State baseball title for several years and he was a key player. My friend, Sandy's sister Susan was Billy's good friend and her dad helped coach him in Little League. So when I was at her house and she introduced him to me, I was star struck. He didn't pay alot of attention to me, but I filed it away as"someday he is going to notice me".
The next year I went with Sandy to the State Tournament and I road in the back seat with, guess who, the famous Billy Crain. We talked and I flirted, so when we got back, he asked me to go to a movie. " This is it, I thought" I was right, Billy started writing me from school. I couldn't wait to get home from school and get his letters. I kept those letters in a suitcase in my closet for 45 years. I read them the other night and cried myself to sleep. To make a long story short. I went to school at TCU and we continued writing and dating. I loved following his baseball career and I loved being loved by him. The letters kept coming.

God is faithful

God is so faithful. My prayer this morning. "OK God where do I go next? He reminded me of my journal from September of last year. I was barely breathing regularly at that time. I went to the Villa de Matel and met with Sister Adeline. She was wonderful. She listened to me cry and then directed me to write a letter from my heart to God and then write to me His answers. This is from my journal.
"Lord what is this dark place that I am in and why do I have to be here with out my precious husband and the love that he gave me?

Jennifer, when I show you my face. When I show you my face, you will recognize the eyes of love that have always been on you. A new day is here. More love, not less. Don't be afraid. Can I love you less than Billy, I showed him how to love you. I know what you need. You are amazing and so is Billy. I love you and Billy and I want to show you our love even more.

Remember Jennifer, You are our forever Valentine"

God is showing me daily that there is a purpose for this temporary separation. I will be patient.
In the mean time I want more people to find this love.

Goal # 7

Goal # 7 in Dad's Lessons from the Sandlot states "Another goal will be something related to marriage- book,seminar,etc. Jennifer and I have a fabulous marriage. It took a lot of work. We have learned a lot; we have a lot of practical wisdom. How do we share it?" You can find this on page 145 in Billy's book. He regularly told me that we were going to write a book about marriage. Our marriage was not only a miracle but it kept growing stronger. People would comment that we seemed like newly weds.

A year ago I didn't know how to use a computer to type anything much less have any understanding of what a "blog" was. So here I am trying to start writing about my marriage of 40+ years without my husband and using a blog style on a computer. What a journey!!!

I wanted to start this with the last Valentine letter that I received.

MY FOREVER VALENTINE

JENNIFER IS MY FOREVER VALENTINE
SHE IS MY WIFE
SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND
SHE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL TODAY THAN THE DAY WE MET
WE SHARE GOD'S LOVE TOGETHER,
AND THE GIFT OF HIS SON,
AND THE LIFE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.
SHE ENCOURAGES ME.
SHE CALLS THE BEST OUT OF ME.
SHE SHOWS ME HOW TO BE INTIMATE,
SHE LOVES ME.
SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

JENNIFER IS MY FOREVER VALENTINE
.................................................................................
The above is from last year..did you remember it?
This little gift is just a small token of your worth to me.
I love you so totally I can't even explain it.
I love you so much I can't comprehend it myself.
So I just want to say... I love.

Your loving husband,
Billy

I hope that in some way we can encourage young marriages to fight for this incredible gift of being one with God and your spouse.

Fort Bend Focus Article

We are excited about the article in the September issue of Fort Bend Focus. We appreciate Sharon and her hard work. Check it out! Be sure to scroll down to page 90 on the left.

http://www.fortbendfocus.com/focussite/pagelink/magazine.html