Final Message for 2009

I just read this scripture from the Message Bible and I knew that I needed to share it with you.

"If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs....These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting dimishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting.

Those of you who attended Billy's funeral, heard his recorded voice blessing our grandchildren.He said to them..."Tyler, all creation is straining on tiptoe to see you come into your own.Trevor, all creation is straining on tiptoe to see you come into your own." He continued to bless Seth, Joshua, Gracie, Ava, Cole, Kaylah, Gabriel . I want to add to his blessing today. First Brett, all creation is straining on tiptoe to see you come into your own. Hayley, Richard, Brad, Heather, Jeff, Shanna, Nicky, David, Jaime, Michelle, Carol, Gene, Leslie, George, All my blogging friends: You are soon ready to be everything that God wants you to be. Come Lord Jesus.

Good News - Bad News

It seems that 2009 has delivered numerous bad reports. I have friends who have passed away and some have received cancer diagnosis, while many others have lost jobs and income. It seems we are all one phone call or diagnosis from life-changing events. At this point, we point to God and say, "How can a loving God let this happen?" Every time my grandson Seth comes over, he begs me to read him a certain book about a grandmother and grandson who take a trip to the Grand Canyon together. They have many strange adventures and are separated, rescued and reconnected. All through the book, the question is asked,"Is it good or is it bad?" I love the quote from Richard Wormbrand's book,In God's Underground."What we call 'bad' is often simply unfinshed good." My problems get worse when I try to define a particular event in the presence of the pain. Please don't tell anyone in the presence of pain that this is for their own good. It is NOT comforting. What is comforting?1. Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs. 2. Sincere listening. 3. Not trying to fix the problem.4.Prayer. Ascending any mountain is difficult, but the view from the summit is exhilerating.

Encourage

This will be short. I just want to thank all the people that comment on the blog. Even if your answer has been a simple "Yes". It feels like food to my spirit that has been so worn down with grief.Steve Meeks (pastor at Calvary Church) preached today on How to Love God. I have been so focused on trying to see how He is loving me that I forgot Mark 12: 29-30.The Message Bible: Jesus said, "The FIRST in importance is, Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one;so love the Lord God with all your Passion and Prayer and Intelligence and Energy. And here is the second : Love others as well as you love yourself. There is no other commandment that ranks with these. My friends, I believe that as we put our desire and wills to loving Him, he will give us the rest and encouragement we need to keep on, keeping on. I love you, Jennifer

Reflections

It is good to Reflect and Examine your last year before the new one starts. At least that has been one of my beneficial habits. So today I am looking over my journal from this last year trying to see where my Papa has taken me and the things He has revealed to me. Just as I made the list for gifts for others this Christmas, I will list these revelations for me. I encourage you to do the same.
1"Jennifer,I know you are thirsty. Come to the water,buy from me the things that cannot be purchased. You don't need anything but desire."
2.He is collecting my tears. That is how much He loves me
3.He is lifting me up with His strong arm
4.He takes away the reproach of the widows
5.He daily takes away my burdens. His mercy is new every morning
6.The righteous ( those who keep their mind on Jesus) will flourish in the courts of the Lord and will bear fruit in old age
7. In visiting those in prison, He is releasing me from my prison of loneliness.
8.God's grace has allowed me to: Change churches; let go of Billy's clothes; sign a contract for the book; rearrange my house for Jeff and Shanna, Ava and Cole to move in; Start a writing class; Enjoy the arrival of the Book; Give talks and start a blog and sell the book and most of all have some success in waiting with hope for the future. Only God can give any of these things.

Christmas Memories

I have a house full right now and it is wonderful. There were 8 children playing in my yard this afternoon. We have "dress up", football, swords, bikes, wagons and you name it. We have had laughter and card games with some driving around looking at Christmas lights while the children sang loudly. I know that God loves to see families give and receive His love. I know that He wants us to look to Him and honor him as the giver of all good gifts. I know that He loves all the effort we put into the baking, wrapping and serving each other as well as those who have less than the best circumstances. I have talked to you before about the powerful tool of being THANKFUL. It is always easier to remember what is missing, what was better before this problem or that problem, what hurts, what isn't with us (Billy). I think God mostly appreciates when we are thankful even when we don't think that we have much to be thankful for. I am thankful for Billy's wonderful faith in Jesus and how he read the Nativity Story to the children. I am thankful for all the funny games he had us play on Christmas Eve. Ask Richard to tell how he riped open the box in the box in the box and consequently destroyed the check with his name on it. But, I must tell you with tears that I really am thankful that he is spending Christmas with Jesus and that he is praying for us and encouraging us to look forward to the time we will all be together again. I want to encourage everyone to remember that you are blessed because someone is praying for you.

Stand and Watch

The hardest thing to do in any battle is to stay put and wait for victory. It is human nature to take matters in our own hands and try to fix any and every painful situation. But, we can't stand without hope because then we quit looking for that something more. That something that brings peace and joy. I am working very hard today to keep my mind on the good things that God has done for me and trust Him to provide a good plan for my future. I am fighting the ghost of Christmas past that wants to fill me with sadness. So, I put on some worship music and began reading a book by Chuck Pierce: GOD'S UNFOLDING BATTLE PLAN. Billy read the first part of the book. How do I know this? He always underlined books with a yellow pencil. He would underline the sentences that were meaningful to him. When I read page 9 in this book, I saw the familiar yellow highlighted words and felt like they were straight from Billy, God and Chuck Pierce to me, Jennifer. Chuck writes that he felt the Spirit of God was saying this to him." There will always be wars and rumors of war. There will be many battlefields that unfold in the days ahead. Your future will be determined by how you trust Me on the battlefield. Lean not on your own understanding. In the midst of your conflict, I have a plan! There are some things that are still hidden from you. Trust Me so that in My perfect timing I can manifest why I called you to stand." He is saying to me today. " It will all come together in My timing. I love you, Jennifer, Brad, Carol,Hayley and anyone else that reads this blog. It WILL all come together. It will ALL come together. Just stand and watch and see the salvation of the Lord." I must respond to the Lord. "Yes, Lord I will trust you on this battlefield and all the ones that you send me. I know you won't give me more than I can handle."

Let It Snow

If you were in Houston on Friday December 4,2009, you probably smiled a lot as you watched the beautiful and unusual snow falling. The children found hats and carrots to dress the snow men and tried to catch the snowflakes with their tongues. But, today December 9,2009, as I watch the news, I see many people across this country struggling to move cars and trucks buried in snow. Their winter is miserable. NO SMILING. A lot of hard work is required to survive this kind of winter. For those of us who are missing our loved ones, the memories are like the snow, beautiful, difficult, and especially lonely. I have been reflecting on the ways that the Lord has brought me through difficult times in the past. Relief and new life always came. ALWAYS!!! So now I need to focus on HIS Faithfulness and Love for me. One way that I did that this week was to read through the Song of Songs in the Bible. Chapter 2 verse 11 went deep in my heart. It says "My lover spoke and said to me,Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See the Winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land." Just as Spring has always followed Winter so will love and joy come back into my life. I have it now with the invisible presence of the Lord speaking into my heart that He is always with me. He is my lover and my friend. He is filling the deep seed of love that has been sown into me through His and Billy's love. Remember a seed goes into the ground and is sometimes covered with snow, usually a winter season and then as the spring comes then flowers appear and singing is restored. Faith plants the seeds and waits believing. Do you believe? Say, yes and wait with hope that the Spring is coming.

Family

On November 30,2009 the family of Redeemer Church came together to celebrate our love and support for one another.We were celebrating the life and home going of a brother in Christ. In the past we gathered for happy occasions such as weddings and sad occasions such as funerals. All were giving Glory to our God and thanking Him for the resurrected life we are all living and will be living when we are united again in Heaven. Remember, this is the church that helped restore our marriage and surrounded me at Billy's funeral. The church was full and the family was surrounded with hugs and faithful words and worship. All churches are called to be family so what does family look like? A family of Christ FORGIVES. A family in Christ APOLOGIZES when someones is hurt by unloving words or actions. A family GATHERS together to support one another in celebration and in crises. Most of all a family in Christ follows the commands and words of our Savior to Love, Love, Love. The Message: Mark 3: 31-36.....Just then his mother and brothers showed up. Standing outside, they relayed a message that they wanted a word with him. He was surrounded by the crowd when he was given the message. "Your mother and brothers and sisters are outside looking for you." Jesus responded, "Who do you think are my mother and brothers?" Looking around, taking in everyone seated around him he said, " Right here, right in front of you...my mother and my brothers. Obedience is thicker than blood. The person who obeys God's will is my brother and sister and mother." The question is for each of us. Do not question anyone else but ASK am I a sister, brother, mother or father in Christ. Am I obedient to the words and commands? ARE YOU?

The Last Thanksgiving?

What do people remember about you last Thanksgiving. Were you the one in the kitchen doing all of the dishes? Were you the one keeping the children active and happy? Were you the one willing to do what ever the host or hostess asked you to do to be helpful? Were you kind in all your conversations? Did you compliment or complain? Were you inclusive in all conversation and recognize anyone left out? We all remember that Billy did all the dishes. We all remember that he played with the children. We also remember that he never complained and loved the be outside frying the turkey. We have stories of him sticking the meat thermometer through his hand and just calmly washing his hand and putting an ice pack on it. We were freaking out but not him. What I experienced from early that morning was that he was always available to me to do unexpected errands. "Billy, would you get 2 more card tables from Hayley's house? Billy, will you go to the store for whipping cream oh and some more rolls? Billy, will you change the tables and put this one by the door?" He would do all these things and more and never complain. He really knew what it was like to be on a team. I was the team captain on these holidays. There were other times when he was the team captain and he would give the orders. (Like, packing the car for vacations) Please read the chapter from his book on Team Work ,p.38-39. We all need to realize that our words and actions give a lasting impression and we are seen from an eternal prespective. Gatherings, no matter who is there or what difficulties arise, are an opportunity to walk in love and demonstrate that Christ is in your heart.

Prodigals

I was pondering the story about the prodigal son while driving this morning. The reason it came to mind was that I was feeling like a prodigal that couldn't get angry feelings under control and find the peace that passes understanding. Let me explain, I was in traffic on Hwy 90 in Sugarland. Construction on one of the lanes had several signs warning everyone to get into the left lane. Of course, I obey all the rules. When others don't and it costs me,I deal with anger.It took a long time to travel a few miles because some wait until the last minute to move over and then force themselves into the correct lane.My time is valuable and I don't like pushy people. Please tell me you have had this happen to you. Suddenly, I remember that I told the Lord this morning that I wanted to live in His peace and feel that love in the little things in my life. I felt like the older brother that was angry that the Prodigal son, who did everything wrong was forgiven and then rewarded with a party and a place back at Father's table. Don't get me wrong, I have been the wayward son many times. Maybe, if I am honest,even when driving,if I was in a hurry I have found myself speeding or rolling through stop signs. My revelation this morning was that whether I am dealing with blatant sins or hypocracy, I separate myself from Father's love and peace. There doesn't seem to be a lot of difference between my own rebel choices and my judgement of others. Grace,Mercy,Forgiveness, Tolerance,Love. We need an abundance of these and the only way that we get them is to repent and remember who died for us. Nothing you or I do separates us from Daddy's love.

What is Love?

When you have loved someone for 4+ decades, you take forgranted the process that it took to get to this amazing love. Love must have a beginning revelation that leads to a commitment. Without a commitment this is lust not love. Once a commitment is made then it will be tested. The staying power is the revelation of the first love and a deligent pursuit to find it again. I fell in love with Billy as a teenager and so growing in love also required growing UP. This is the same process I have had in my relationship to the Lord. I had some early experiences when I felt a touch from Him and yet I was not able to commit. When Billy and I recommited our relationship to each other, we also recommited our relationship to Jesus. That is when we really fell in love. Several more difficult times required a recognition of the need to recommit to love in my heart. Today I stand in that place of a need to fall in love again with my Lord. Grief seems to produce a lot of anger and disappointment. I need to surrender again to the one that unconditionally loves me. I felt the burning in my heart last night when I listened to Doug Stringer and David Ravenhill talk about being on the altar for God and letting His fire consume everything. At that point he begins to give you more than you can ask or imagine. I am thankful that my commitment to the Lord keeps me in this diligent pursuit even when I don't feel like it. I am thankful for new friends like Karen who invite me to hear wonderful speakers. Is this what the two disciples felt like when they were walking on the road to Emmaus? They listened to the stranger talk to them, they invited him to stay with them, He presented life to them in communion and then they realized "Didn't we feel on fire as he conversed with us on the road as he opened up the Scriptures for us?" They found Jesus again after the disappointment.

I LOVE YOU, JESUS
I LOVE YOU, FATHER
I LOVE YOU, HOLY SPIRIT

I recommit to Love

While I am Waiting

The Lord often in scripture reminds us that we must Wait. "Wait on the Lord: Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart"NKJV. Is that as hard for you as it is for me? I think the answer is YES,YES. Waiting causes me to feel unsettled, maybe irritated, sometimes afraid and always uncomfortable. It can be something as small as having to wait on one of those computer lines to change phone companies to waiting in traffic or waiting for an important phone call about a job possibility. Or, like little Gabriel last week, waiting for the antibiotics to start working . Currently I am waiting on something that I can't even describe. It causes me to spend a large amount of time asking God questions about the future. I haven't gotten any answers but for short periods of time, I can hold on to a feeling of peace. I love the verses in Jeremiah 33. "While Jeremiah was still locked up in jail, a second Message from God was given him. This is God's message,The God who made earth, made it livable and lasting, known everywhere as God:"Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous things that you could never figure out on your own." THE MESSAGE. Notice that Jeremiah was still in jail. God didn't fix his circumstances before He gave him a great revelation about his (Jeremiah's and Israels )future. Jeremiah lived a difficult life, but God revealed amazing things to him. So!!! Am I waiting for circumstances to change or am I waiting on more revelation of the Living God working in and through me. Until I know more answers, I am determined to worship Him, love Him and listen for Him to reveal Himself to me. Oh yes, and learn to wait patiently.

Don't Run

This has been a day or yet a week when I wanted to run away. I don't know where I would go or what I would do, I just didn't want the pain anymore. Everyone is still wonderful to me, but this beautiful fall weather reminds me of what I would be doing if Billy were here. Watching the leaves blow across the back yard and then taking a walk down our street to the Brazos River was a regular after work event. I have been working on trusting God to fill the empty places. I really believe He will do something. I just keep praying for direction. I hear others say that this is a very difficult time for them. Nothing seems to work the way that it used to. Not jobs or finances, not carefree gatherings with friends and not even the understanding of "Who I Am". I was praying about all of this when my eyes landed on this scripture. THE MESSAGE; Luke 9,22-26. "Then He told them what they could expect for themselves. Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat--I am. DON'T RUN from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I"LL show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it be to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?"

I choose today to stop my "self-pity thinking". I will not run away or make excuses and I will serve someone else today. It is almost time for me to go to prison and lead my group in their Finding God in their Stories.

Humility

It is sometimes difficult to distinquish true humility from a false pride. Usually we don't even know our own hearts until we are given a "life test". We (Billy and I) were living in this beautiful home and serving God at church and in the prisons. We were very happy to serve the Lord and others and life was great. Then one year after we took on this new mortgage, Billy was laid off from Fluor after 32 years of employment. Suddenly we were faced with financial concerns. I carefully reduced our budget and planned to stretch every savings that we had. Billy was dealing with feeling like he had failed as a provider. He knew the lie behind these thoughts so we determined to pray and fast and worship God together in our home every evening. One day Billy told me that he felt that God wanted us to give a certain amount of money to other unemployed people in our church. That struck fear in me but I knew that Billy had heard from God and that we needed to obey. Following that obedience, he was able to get a contract job from our long time friend Dick Wall's company. That job had a time limit and I was trying to stay faithfully away from the "what ifs". God was faithful to my "Moses like husband". One week after he left the contract job, he was back fulltime at Fluor and he was given the raise that he missed when he was laid off.

I am working to let my knowledge of God's faithfulness in the past encourage my faith for the future. With so many people unemployed and underemployed in this current time, I challenge you to look back and yes, even write down the details of how God provided for you in the past. He will never leave you or forsake you. If you are in a difficult situation, ask God if you need to give more to others, pray more for yourselves and friends and begin to say outloud. MY GOD IS FAITHFUL.

P.S. Thank you Dick and Betty Wall for being such generous givers to our family.

Tomorrow

What is tomorrow going to bring? How do I know what to do or plan for? Do I have a reference from the past to guide me?

Several times my adult married children have needed support in a bad economy. Hayley and Richard with twin babies (Tyler and Trevor) moved in with us after Richard lost his job in the construction business in Austin. They lived with Billy and I from October 2001 until September 2002. During that time we all made the adjustments to put two families and two generations under one roof. A lot of change for all.God was very good (as usual) and Richard was creative and industrious. He was able to build us a beautiful home on 2 acres with amazing attention to details. We were able to help them buy our current home. Because of those events, Billy and I lived and loved this homestead for almost 6 years. All the grandchildren have enjoyed this spacious yard and the adults love sitting on the back porch looking out at that wonderful tree line that you can see in the above picture.

Today Jeff and Shanna, Ava and Cole live with me. What an adjustment finding a place for all our posessions. Every closet is filled along with the garage.God did answer my prayer about being alone and somewhat fearful in this big house. What was painfully lonely now has family.
I love seeing Jeff on the riding lawn mower just like his Dad. I love having meals with family. Shanna and I share these duties. I love getting hugs from Ava and Cole every morning and evening. And yes, we still have to work on two generations living together and two families in crowded spaces. We still have all the grandchildren over to play in the backyard and we still sit on the porch watching the beauty of the nature God has provided for us. They will probably (God willing) move back into their lovely home next year.

Something is coming. I don't know what it is and I do start to panic at times. Then I remember God faithfulness. Remember the words in the song " When you can't see His hand, Trust His Heart. My God is for me and my family and will always see us through. He knows the plans He has for us, for a hope and a future.

Angels

Jaime,Michelle,Kaylah and Gabriel Angel are gifts to our family. They adopted Billy and I as their parents and added us as Nana and Papa to Kaylah and Gabriel when they became parents. They are faithful to be at all family holiday and birthday gatherings. I always get special Mother's Day gifts from them. But today, I received a really special gift. When I walked into Gabriel's hospital room, he looked at me with tired but beautiful eyes and said " Hi, Nana." Gabriel has been very sick this week with bacterial pneumonia and the flu. He has been in ICU and now CCU at Texas Children's Hospital. In spite of the wonderful outpouring of love and prayer from a lot of friends, all of us were more than concerned. Do I dare say, worried? Yes. Mom and Dad are exhausted but thankful for the improvement that we see in his little body. He has been on many prayer lists in several states. I don't begin to understand how our prayers and especially our collective prayers move the hand of God to heal. I don't understand how some are healed and others are not. I don't understand how some suffering is allowed to stay in innocent children even when we pray. But, I know that I know that my God is good. I know he loves Gabriel, Kaylah ( she can't even go to the hospital) Michelle and Jaime. I believe His words that He hears our prayers and that Jesus defeated our enemies (sickness ++++) on the cross.

Friends, please pray and pray often for yourselves and others to be protected from this enemy of sickness. Pray that "No weapon formed against us can prosper" Pray Psalm 91 . The Message
Psalm 91:9-11..Yes, because God's your refuge, the High God your very own home, Evil can't get close to you, harm can't get through the door. He ordered his ANGELS to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they'll catch you, their job is to keep you from falling....

Life-maps

I can no longer live a life that only looks to what pleases me. I must know what God wants from me and what I need to do to stay "on course". The men that I am working with at the Carol Vance Unit are using Billy's book to challenge their hearts and actions. They are taking this course as serious as any one who recognizes the importance of freedom versus slavery. They also want to stay "on course". Yesterday, several of the men were vulnerable with situations that needed wisdom and direction. One man asked about an ex-friend and God's boundaries around covenant relationships. Another asked questions about revealing past sins in a current relationship. Another questioned how to keep the peace when children are involved in a broken relationship. They not only asked the questions but responded with humility and a desire to follow through with the prayer and suggestions that were given about these situations. I had three other chances yesterday to give counsel to friends in difficult situations. One friend wanted Jesus to heal her body and the other friends needed wisdom about marriage problems. I guess they came to the right person for the advice. I think Billy and I faced all of those issues. God loves to heal. We just need to pull out the "MAP", ask for and follow the directions that He gives us. The Message Bible - Psalm 19:7-9 "The revelation of God is whole and pulls our lives together. The signposts of God are clear and point out the right road. The life-maps of God are right, showing the way to joy. The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes. God's reputation is twenty-four carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee. The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree"

Dearest Family and Friends,
Ask God to shine His light on your life today.( All of your relationships and actions) Test and see if you are going in the right direction. If not, loved ones, repent and return to God's Life-Map with your name on it.

Baby Steps

I have been told by several friends that I have made progress. I have also been told that I am too hard on myself. We need others, who love us and see the good in our efforts. Even if these efforts don't seem to produce a completed project. These friends encourage us and keep us going. The scripture in my mind today is from Zechariah 4: " Then the word of the Lord came to me. The hands of Zerubabel have laid the foundation of this temple; his hands will also complete it. Then you will know that the Lord Almighty has sent me to you. Who despises the day of SMALL THINGS."

My friend Carol was expressing joy about her grandson,Nolan, who was born on September 4. He has recently rolled over. Mom and Dad, (Jennifer and Micah) were watching, laughing, and encouraging Nolan in his great accomplishment. I have had the thrill of watching Brett and Cole take their first steps and say their first words in this last year. What a joy to watch these small beginnings. They don't seem small to parents and grandparents. So when God (Daddy, Papa) watches and listens to us say a small prayer or follow through with a small task that He puts in our minds, He is clapping and cheering us on. I do believe that is who He is. I want to stay focused on His pleasure in me. I want to forgive myself quickly so when I fall I will try
again. I need to be patient with myself because one day the temple of Jennifer will be completed with the fullness of Christ Jesus.

I wish you could all hear my son Brad's new song about God Finishing What He Started. It is so encouraging to hear his heart in song. See, here I am a mother cheering her son. God promises all of us that He is faithful to complete what He starts in us and He will keep all that we commit to Him. I commit to honor and bless my small steps today. What are you going to commit?

Who,What,Why, How!!!

I have been asking God a lot of questions lately...
1. Who benefits from this blog? Obviously, I do. It is somehow therapy for me. I think my family
benefits. They are reminded of the blessings from their Dad and how loved they are. But, you
my friends and maybe a stranger or two. I hope you benefit from being reminded that your
heavenly Dad loves and blesses you.

2. What's it all about? I believe that we all are desperate to know that our lives matter. And yes,
that our God does have good plans for us even when we don't see it in our immediate path.
Being a widow does not seem like a promotion in this life, but God told me I was like Ester
and that makes me a Queen. I haven't found out yet what a Queen does, except that I am
loved by the King and I have a responsibility to the Kingdom.

3.Why? Why me and why now,God? I think that we all need to find more of who God is,
everyday. The Lord wants us to know Him. He is so different from us that He needs us
to look with different eyes so that we can see Him. The earth is full of His Glory and one
day the earth will be filled with the KNOWLEDGE of His GLORY. Those of us that search
now will be very blessed. Remember Psalm #1...Blessed is the man (woman) that delights in
law of the Lord,and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by
streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.....

4.How do I do this Lord? The days are difficult. The loneliness invades everything that I do.
My medicine is not only scripture but then I start thanking Him for where I saw His Glory
today. a) Brett (my 14 month old grandchild) laughed at me and gave me a kiss today.
b) Cole (my 19 month old grandchild) let me read him a book today.
c) I picked up Tyler,Trevor (10 years old) and Seth (5 years) from school today. They
were laughing about how they saw each other at school in the hall.
d) Ava ( 4 years old), Gave me a big hug and said "I love you, Nana"
e)I am planning a trip next week to see Brad, Heather, Joshua (6 years) and Gracie(4
years). I will get a lot of hugs then too.
f) Hayley and Richard are celebrating a wonderful wedding anniversay this weekend.
( God is so good to give my children wonderful marriages like we had)

Make your list, talk to your Daddy (God), read His word, (It's life and food for your soul)

Blessings from Billy 01-02-2006

Remember I told you that Billy wrote the family a blessing every week. I have been challenged again to ask myself some of the questions that Billy asked. Do I really receive what God says about me? Do I want to live life with the full measure of the Love that I have promised? Do I believe God in difficult circumstances. Do you? The background on this blessing: Billy had a medical test that was going to cost alot with the possibility of a cancer diagnosis. We had just started working at the church. Money was a small issue but some good friends gave us a check that covered the expenses exactly.

"Life is a special gift. Having wrestled through that last week we all certainly were forced to look at it (life) and consider what a gift it is.And what is that gift? It is the relationships we have with one another. That is the gift of life,to love and be loved. And I am. And so are you. Let me share a scripture the Lord directed me to last week. James 1:2-6,12 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help,and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought...Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.THE MESSAGE

It was a wonderful week last week to be bathed in love...to feel everyone's love was awesome. I am blessed. And I want you to know that you are the reason why. You bless me. And I feel so special because of you.Your ARE a blessing. You have been transformed into instruments of God's love, grace and mercy. I experienced it. YOU ARE A BLESSING.
And I thank God for you,"

Dad

My blessing to you all is that without your love and support I couldn't walk in the grace that I have. I believe you love me, God loves me and I believe we are all learning to know that we are a Blessing to each other. PRAY . BELIEVE . RECEIVE ........YOU ARE A BLESSING

I love you,
Mom

Forty (Plus 1)

My second forty story comes when Billy and I were approaching our 40th wedding anniversary. Hayley ( our precious daughter), Shanna, ( our sweet daughter-in-law) and Heather,(our wonderful first daughter-in-law) all talked to us about giving us a party for our 40th wedding anniversary. They all wanted to contribute to a party much bigger than I thought was necessary. I thought the "BIG" party was the 50th anniversary. I knew that Billy and I were looking forward to a wonderful half-century party celebrating a wonderful marriage. The girls were insistent that we have an "EVENT". The final plans were to have a party in our beautiful back yard. ( Have you seen the trees in our yard?) They ordered tents, tables, and chairs. They made beautiful invitations, decorations, and the food was better than any catered event that I had been to. Hayley is an amazing cook and event planner.Billy planned the order of the blessing. I must be the most blessed wife and mother of all times. We had at least 60-70 guests. All brought blessings and cards that I keep very close. Why do these things seem so important? Well, that party was June 9,2007. That was my last anniversary with Billy. How did the family know that this party was so important? The Lord prompted their hearts to follow through with this life-time event. My children are the blessing that we prayed for and they know when the Lord is moving them. I know that they will continue to grow and hear from God. I ask you to pray for your families to love and grow in the Lord. He always answers prayers in ways that we don't understand. Remember...He is able to do more than we can ask or imagine .

Forty (Plus)

I experienced wonderful memories of forty years...birthdays, anniversary, blessings. This is an amazing number in the Bible. Moses left Egypt at 40 years old. The Israelites were in the desert for 40 years. Isaac was 40 when he took Rebecca for his wife. Jesus was in the desert for 40 days. You may be a scholar about numbers, I am not. But, I do know that most people ( me included) have mixed emotions about their 40th birthday. Some how we feel we should have grown up and yet we feel old before we are ready. Inside we say," I still feel 18, how did I get this old. Admit it!!! We had these wonderful friends that lived in Florida, Claudia and Roger Gumbinner. We tried to be faithful (if finances and kids allowed) to see each other at least once a year. Most years, the trip from Florida to Houston or Houston to Florida was made by us girls.(Excuse me, women.)In 1987, Billy and Roger told Claudia and I that we could plan a girls weekend to celebrate our 40th birthdays. We were so excited. We spent many phone calls to each other and resorts planning a SPA weekend. We were going to have facials, messages, some exercise classes. You know at 40 some parts of the body need extra work. Well, the closer it came to setting the date, Billy and Roger became very interested in helping us with our plans. Somehow, in all the confusion the trip was set. We (now it was all four of us)were going to Pinehurst in North Carolina. This is a golf resort? Claudia and I don't play golf? Maybe there is a Spa there? Nope.. When we arrived, the closest thing to a Spa was the YWCA. We found a locker and a way to exercise. We laughed more than we exercised. We got the golf pro to help us surprise Roger and Billy in the middle of the course. We were behind a tree on something like the 12th hole and jumped out from a tree when they were on the tee box. We did have wonderful meals and of course enjoyed the blessing of our friendship. Roger went to be with Jesus on December 6,2003.Billy followed him 4 years,6months and 3 days later. Both,loved Jesus and their wives and families. Both loved and studied the word of God daily. The blessing of this 40th birthday memory is worth more than gold or silver or any Spa.

Friends

Last night a wonderful friend took me to dinner. We had a great time laughing, talking about old times and especially giving each other sweet directions toward growing in hard times. We could give this kind of advice to each other because the respect,love and faithfulness is always present.Today I went to breakfast with two more friends,again laughter and encouraging words. The main reason that I have survived this last year and a half is because of the heart sharing from friends. Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. There have been those that found my grief too difficult and they have stayed away. Maybe I wasn't very inviting. I admit, I have not been able to give as much as I have received during this time. I am looking forward to the time when I can give the love and attention in the measure that I was used to when I had Billy's very present friendship. I have learned that friends become family (like a brother) in difficult times, that the prayers of friends are healing, and that time with friends is a treasure not to be taken forgranted. My friendship with God has become my breath. I talk to Him all the time and I am beginning to hear Him better. John 15:13 ... Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. Jesus died for me that I can know friendship with him, my Daddy, and the Spirit that He gave me when I invited Him in my heart. I pray for you that you would search for these great friendships. All are needed and all are worth the effort.

Remembering Bill Crain by Bob Kehl

Remembering Bill Crain

Bill Crain was many things to me – coach, mentor, confidant, golf buddy – but more than that, he was a trustworthy friend with a passion for always being better - mainly a better person, but also in a competitive sense, a better golfer. He and I played as a twosome many times, but the agenda switched continually from shot-making to life’s more significant issues – how to be a good father, how to be and effective Christian, how to come to terms with our weaknesses and failures, which books we were reading and so on. These times of relaxed sharing had very few boundaries and could delve into deep waters.
Bill was an unusual kind of leader. He was not the kind of charismatic personality that demanded attention, but he applied what he had learned in very successful athletics endeavors. The led by example with very few words and an occasional well-placed and often clever comment. His direct manner combined with insightful discernment made him very effective in his ministry to the inmates at the local prison.
As I was learning golf and Bill was patiently playing alongside, I would make bad shot and would want to analyze, “What did I do wrong on that? Was my alignment off?...”, and his reply was often the same, “Bad shot.”, meaning that next time, the time that has some possibilities, I must try to hit a good one. I think I do recall direct advice that he offered – all of them in the many rounds we played. We shared church leadership during one period and as I chaired meetings, Bill would get weary with too much talk and not enough action saying, “Moving right along…”. And then there were the cryptic emails with only a subject line “Golf Friday?”.
Bill and I got together for golf about two weeks before his death. I was having a great day and Bill was not. After 12 holes, I had made 4 birdies and had Bill down by 5 strokes. He always kept the score, so I was oblivious that today might be that great day in which I finally beat my mentor. Back at the clubhouse, he added up the score, grinned and said, “Not today.”. Bill always finished well.

In a day when many are looking for those who are “authentic” in their expression of a life of faith, there are few examples. Bill provided one.

Bob Kehl

Authenticity

In these days of deligent spending, we all are concerned for the need to buy our necessities with proof of authenticity or truth about the product. Billy and I knew that this must apply to our spiritual and relational lives as well as our pocket books. We sought out teaching from John and Paula Sandford on "bitter roots", Jack Frost on transparent witnessing, and Neal Anderson on Victory over Darkness and Steps to Freedom. While these tools were great and really made a difference on our lives and ministry, we both would admit that as humans we don't recognize the
TRUTH without trusting someone close to us to help us examine our behaviors. In other words, do you (me) have friends that you trust to tell you the truth. After they have told you, are you willing to make the necessary changes or pray for changes to line up with God's truth.

I am still very dependent on friends to help me stay authentic. Carol prays with me everyday and helps me get through many days of anxiety with a sweet word from the Lord. She calls me to repent whenever I lose my peace. Leslie, Claudia, and Nicky all listen to me and give words of guidance as well as comfort. I believe we all deceive ourselves into thinking that most problems are created by someone or situation other than the almighty ME. People still tell me how much Billy's words of correction and wisdom helped them change. If you are a leader, teacher, husband, or wife I encourage you to step up, have courage and ask those around you if you need to change something that would bring more love to others. It's all about love---HIS and Yours.

Authenticity=Truth=Love (for you and others)

Painful Preparation

This is a title from July 7 in the meditational book GOD CALLING; When I read it on July7,2008, I was barely walking, talking or breathing. The grief that I felt from the loss of Billy was something that I never could have understood or described before. I felt like my heart had been cut in half. We shared every day, all of our thoughts, fears, prayers, joys. How did God expect me to survive without him? Then I read this meditation."Help and peace and joy are here. Your courage will be rewarded. Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason of it, and see too that it was not cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful life-work you are both to do. Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered. Answered in a way that seems painful to you, but that just now is the only way. Success in the temporal world would not satisfy you. Great success, in both temporal and spiritual worlds awaits you. I know you will see this had to be." This didn't take me through the grief but it gave me encouragement that there was something that I was supposed to do and somehow Billy would be apart of it.

When Billy wrote this book in 2006, he tried to get it published. He didn't have much success so he decided to put it away and work on it later. His later was interrupted by the distractions and relationships that we all face. So in the fall of 2008, Brad and I began to pray about someone to help publish this book. We signed a contract with CSN Books in January,2009. They said the process would take 3-4 months. I really wanted the book out for baseball season. I just knew young and old baseball fans would really want to read it. Baseball season came.....and went. "OK, GOD! Please give me the book for the anniversary of Billy's going home to you" That date came...and went. Five weeks later on July 7,2009, a large truck drove in my driveway and delivered 2000 copies of Dad's Lessons from the Sandlot by Billy Crain. I know this is only the beginning of what God was telling me that " one day I will see this had to be."
God continues to tell us to remember HIS faithfulness in our stories and then we will be able to face the pain or confusion of today.

Blessings from Billy 8-01-2005

I am going to start putting in the blog some of Billy's blessings.

Change...it's a funny thing...it happens to us whether we like it or not...sometimes we choose it; sometimes we plan it; and sometimes it just happens to us! The main issue concerning change has got to be our attitude towards it--do we embrace it or fight it. It's hard to choose to embrace change, we so want to be comfortable. But we need to remember a truth, I believe that God orchestrates, or at least allows, all things that happen to us. And He does so for our benefit...for our growth...for our maturing...all of which enables us to draw closer to God. Change is God's way of keeping us plugged into Him.
So I want to bless each one of you, and me, with a new attitude of seeing God in everything...of trusting God in everything...and therefore be able to quickly look for Him and receive what He is doing in your(my) life. And to know it is God seeking a relationship with you. It is God loving you.. It is God taking a personal interest in you. It is your Daddy loving you.
Lord, I pray that when change seems to be coming, help each one of us to move quickly from the feelings of dread/despair/defeat to an attitude of HOPE and even ANTICIPATION...of knowing and seeing You are there.

I love you all,
Dad

Romance

I don't know if all engineers have difficulty with romantic efforts, but Billy's efforts to understand my language of love were often met with "left-field" attempts. I tried to talk to him about surprises, flowers, romantic dinners. The flowers, he could do but Kroger didn't always put an arrangement together to suit my taste. Sorry if I sound a little spoiled. I was. We only learn these things in hind sight. His greatest attempt in this area came with an invitation to go away for a weekend to a secret location. "Pack your bags. I've arranged for baby sitters for a 4 day weekend away" He wouldn't tell me anything except casual clothes and I might need a jacket. We had a wonderful game for a week with me asking questions and him giving me misleading clues. I was at the airport before I discovered that we were going to Las Vegas. Sudden disappointment. This was not on my list of where I wanted to go. It took me several hours to release my emotions to the Lord. I am sure he had his frustration about me but we were both wise enough to stay quiet. We had a great weekend. We rented a car and saw beautiful mountains and the amazing Hoover Dam. We had romantic dinners and wonderful conversations. (that is my love language) I am reminded of how we give our demands to the Lord of how we want to experience His love and how often we battle the disappointments when it doesn't look like we want it to look. My life right now is in one of those pauses between experience and hope. I pray this passage often: THE MESSAGE BIBLE: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you and not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.When you call on me, when you come and pray to me. I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed". Say this with me, I Jennifer,(your name) won't be disappointed with God's plans for me.

Memories

Today I went to church at St.Paul's Methodist on Main Street in Houston, Texas. It was a wonderful experience of beautiful music and people who come together to find Jesus.This is the address on my wedding invitation June 9,1967. Our son,Brad was Baptized in this church. We were going to this church when our marriage fell apart in 1972. Good memories and difficult memories in the same building. Why does God take us around the same mountains 40 years later? I am reminded of the Israelites. Moses leads them out of their slavery in Egypt but then their lack of faith makes them stay in the wilderness for 40 years. I don't think I have been in the desert for 40 years but Billy and I did stuggle to find this great marriage for most of our 40 years. We went to counseling, we helped other people, we practiced everything that we learned and we fell more and more in love with each other every year. Billy is in the promised land. He is face to face with Jesus. I have to believe that I have some work to do for these next years ,that I am here and not there,that I need to fall more and more in love with Jesus. I pray that my purpose is to lead some of you to find this love of family, spouses, children, strangers and of course our Lord. May God bless you with this overpowering love that is beyond words.

Going Home

I am going to respond to Brad's comment from yesterday's blog. Brad asked,"what does it mean to go home?" and "how do you stay focused on that vision?" I can only answer from my experience and not from a theological expertise. To me going home means that I am going to see my savior ( Jesus) and my Father (Papa,daddy) the Holy Spirit,Billy, and other loved ones. I am going to be in a wonderful atmosphere of worship and love. No more sorrow, no more tears.... Our pastor, Steve Meeks talked about a discipline of being Heavenly Minded that kept the disciples focused on their calling to the point that suffering wasn't consuming their souls. In scripture, Paul says that to live is Christ and to die is gain. We need to look forward to heaven while we work to bring God's Kingdom here on earth to others. Learning to live each day here with love,kindness, and discipline is something I try to focus on early every morning. Hopefully, I stay there. But, if I don't, I tell God that I am sorry and I return to my focus.
Listen to Hebrew 11 in the MESSAGE: (1)The fundamental fact of existence is that this TRUST in GOD, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes LIFE WORTH LIVING. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd..........(13) Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. Does this answer your question? I love you, Brad.

Road to Overcoming

After 16 months of trying to live a life without Billy, I thought I would have some answers to my many questions. I have some stories of God's grace and mercy to me but I can't say that I have any answers. The only revelation that I have is that this battle to overcoming grief is a discipline of seeking God and looking for His guidance one day (or hour) at a time. I gave a teaching at my church several years ago about Naomi from the Book of Ruth. It is a fascinating story of a woman who left her country with her husband and two sons searching for provision in a foreign land. While in that land, her sons married foreign women, then her husband and both sons died. She decides to go home and one of her daughter-in-laws wants to go with her because she loves her. Remember, when I gave this talk I had not experienced this awful grief. I just felt like I could really understand this woman. Naomi tells her friends when she gets back to Bethlehem, "don't call me Naomi,Call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me." Read the Book of Ruth. It has a great ending. Naomi discovers that God has a bigger plan. His plan for her was to give her a wonderful grandchild that would not only take care of her but also make her a great-grandmother to David and the ancestor of Jesus. An ordinary widow has an important place in the full telling of God's story. Billy blessed each member of this family to know and walk in our complete destiny. My children and grandchild are all on the road to overcoming and we WILL see HIS STORY worked out in our lives.

Your Inheritance

Are you depositing in your heavenly account? Read Matthew 25:35-40. When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on His glorious throne.........Then the king will say to those on his right. Enter, you who are blessed by my Father. Take what's coming to you in the kingdom (your inheritance) It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why.

I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.

Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me-You did it to me.
I am going to meet my group at the prison to discuss Chapters 2 and 3 in Billy's book. Remember my question today: Are you depositing in your heavenly account today? It's better than silver or gold.

My Inheritance - Part #4

I met James in one of my small groups. In these groups the guys would tell us their personal stories. Each story was full of painful experiences that most had never told anyone else. James's story was particularly gripping. He had been a witness to his fathers rages and violent attacks on his mother and siblings. One day he attacked back and soon Dad moved out. He shared that he dreamed every night of the different ways that he could kill his father. "Mrs.Crain," he said," I just can't do this. I love Jesus, but I can't forgive that man." I knew that we just needed to pray for God to show James His love and His power. He agreed to just ask God to make him willing to be willing to forgive. A few weeks later, James showed me a letter that he had written his dad. "Dear Dad. I have always hated you for what you did to us. I am a Christian now and I need to forgive you even though you were a terrible father. .James. "James, do you think that you could change any of this to be softer, I said." "No. Mam," he replied. We prayed over the letter and he gave it to his case-manager who was able to find the right address. I knew it was a miracle that he could even write this much. James got a letter back from his dad." Mrs. Crain, thank you, thank you, I heard from my Dad. He is a Christian and he asked me to forgive him. He wants to come see me" Wow! Isn't God amazing. There is more. A month later when James's dad did come we found out that the dad had a business and offered James a job when he got out of prison.His business was music production and James was a talented musician. God is still in the business of miracles.

Do you have miracles in your life? Today or in the past. Please let me know about them because they build my faith just like James did. Our God is Amazing.

My Inheritance - Part #3

Four years ago, Billy and I were introduced to a ministry that was perfect for us and for the guys at IFI. It was called -Experiencing the Father's Embrace-By Jack Frost. The foundational principle was that it was difficult to experience God's unconditional love when you had a parent, especially a father who demonstrated the opposite. Most of the men in prison had absent or abusive fathers. Forgiveness for their fathers or themselves as fathers was impossible to imagine. We would give talks about our own experiences with forgiveness and then pray with the guys. Tears and hugs were shared as Billy and the other male volunteers would stand in for their fathers and ask for forgiveness. When the guards would ask us to leave at 8:45,many of them were crying.

I have been able to forgive my parents and myself as a parent by recognizing God's gentle nudges through memories and circumstances. We aren't wounded in one event and usually it takes several prayers to feel a healed heart. This last year since Billy's absence I felt my father's absence again. My prayers for myself and from others has been that I recognize my Daddy God's presence in a deeper way. I have prayed to forgive my earthly dad again and I have found God's faithful love in everything from hugs from friends to the beautiful cardinals that show up in the shadow of the trees, to the wonderful worship that I experienced at Calvary Community Church this morning.

How do you experience God's love? If you don't, do you need to forgive a parent or anyone?

My Inheritance-Part #2

It was January 1997 when I met the first group of guys in the IFI program. They were so happy to be in this safe environment. Several told me that this was the first time they had slept with both eyes shut since coming to prison. They were invited to transfer to this prison if they didn't
have a violent case since coming to prison. They were made aware of the content of the program and agreed to a mentor from the Houston or Dallas areas. The reason for the last critera was that Churches in these areas had agreed to provide mentors for these guys when they were released to give even more encouragement to get help before returning to the "old ways". We had a new group of guys to work with every four months. It was a great experience to watch them share what they had learned in the classes with their adult family members on Thursday nights. We saw reconciliation with parents,wives, sisters and brothers. God was always present. We were regularly asked,"why do you come here?"> It seemed so obvious to us, "Because, Jesus is here".

You need to give the Jesus in you away and then He comes back to you. It really works, try it.

My Inheritance - Part #1

Over the last 11 years, I have spent over 4000 hours in prison. Phone calls to my house from friends for social invitations would be greated with, "Oh, I'm sorry we can't come, we have prison tonight. Billy and I loved going to the Carol Vance Unit and bringing God's love to the inmates. We felt more at home there than we could ever have imagined. Billy was a volunteer chaplain and often spent lunch hours and Saturdays praying with one of his adopted sons there.
Billy had been mentoring a young man at the Central Unit when he heard about a new prison program opening up 5 minutes from our house. George Bush was Governor of Texas and was exploring a faith-based program to reduce the recidivism rate of prisoners. The program was to be called the Inner Change Freedom Initiative and was staffed by Chuck Colson's Prison Fellowship.
It was a sobering experience to stand at the gate, wait patiently until the guards took my drivers license, then walk through several gates. Each gate slams behind you and you are encaged until the guard releases the next gate. While standing in the cage you can look up and see the beautiful starry night in Sugarland, Texas. The view is somewhat obstructed as you look into the circled barbed wire that quickly reminds you that you want out of here a.s.a.p. There is always that momentary skipped heart beat until the lock on the gate is released and you "get out".

(Aside - I was just wondering how many things God keeps me from getting out of prematurely.)

Training

I had a great class today at prison with Dad's Lessons from the Sandlot. We discussed the little league stories and the importance of coaches,parents, and teachers. Several of the guys had stories of talent in sports. All of them had broken homes or parents that didn't discipline them. They repeated common themes of parents not wanting to see the rebellion and the pain of not feeling supported. The opportunity to quit always presented itself. One man lost a college scholarship and several didn't finish highschool. All of them agreed that the training from the early days is still with them. They are finishing their GED's and taking every opportunity to learn. So quitting can be temporary.
I have felt like quitting many things this year. It is too hard without Billy. Learning to write, publish this book, give talks, writing this blog are all things that require more discipline than I am comfortable with and yet I keep pressing forward. Because....I believe God. Because I have been encouraged and loved by family and friends.
THE MESSAGE: Hebrews 12:7-13 God is educating you, that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment, it's training, the normal experience of children......We respect out own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live?.....It's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

Guidance

After Billy discovered the importance and power of a blessing, he started writing a blessing to each family member every Monday on our emails. I plan to put them into a book form but today I want to give you one that I think you need to love those around you.

When I meditated on the word guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable.
When one person realizes and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word guidance. When I saw "G," I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i" dance. God,you, and I dance. This statement is what guidance means to me. As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies be upon you and your family. May you abide in Him as He abides in you. Dance together with God, trusting Him to lead and to guide you through each season of your life.

Don't be Afraid

I knew that I wanted to give talks to small groups about the book. When I was invited to talk to the Sunday class at St. Timothy's Anglican Church, I was excited. But as the time grew close I became anxious. Questions flooded my mind,"Would I forget the important things?" or more likely "Would I cry the entire time?" I prayed that God would make me more comfortable with doing these talks. Then He reminded me that this was about Him and not me. Yeah!!! You can't go wrong when He's the one doing the work. It was a small but very attentive group and I felt good about this beginning. Thank you again Andy for your faithfulness to get this started. The scripture that I think is so important for the work of Finding God in Your Story is the the same scripture that gave me peace today. Deuteronomy 7:17-19- Remember, yes, remember in detail what God, your God, did to Pharaoh and all Egypt. Remember the great contests to which you were eyewitnesses:the miracle-signs, the wonders, God's mighty hand as he stretched out his arm and took you out of there. God, YOUR GOD, is going to do the same thing to these people (situations) you're now so afraid of. The Message Bible. Are you writing your stories? Are you looking for God's Lessons in your life?
God Bless you all

Sticks and Stones

We all know that the spoken word is powerful. We have a lifetime of hurt if an important person in our childhood called us something like "You stupid.....". We tend to think that if someone corrects us or disagrees with us they are calling us "stupid". Therefore we get very angry and the conversation gets ugly very fast. We were in many of these "discussions" before we learned that most of our triggers were really unhealed "bitter roots." Hebrews 12:15. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God that no root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by it many be defiled. Billy and I would in the middle of any conversation give the other permission to question if this was a trigger to a bitter root. It is not easy to answer that question when you know you are RIGHT about something. Unloving conversation is never OK. Strong disagreement could always be managed without rude comments or extreme emotions. The next step would be to apologize, maybe agree to disagree for a time and pray about what might have caused this unloving reaction. After learning this, we never went to bed without a necessary apology. Love is always an action word. Can you apologize? If not, what is your bitter root?

Words that Heal

Do you remember the letters that I told you about that Billy wrote me from A&M when I was in high school and college? It isn't surprizing that letters were the major source of healing for this broken marriage. I can't remember when or who began to talk about Marriage Encounter. Several of our new friends went to this weekend experience and loved it. The intent of the weekend was to develop intimacy in communication between a husband and wife. Boy, did we need that! And a weekend without kids, hallalujah! We arrived at a very peaceful retreat center in southwest Houston called "The Cenacle". The talk on Friday night was given by a couple who shared how writing letters to each other had transformed their marriage. Billy and I knew immediately that we were in the right place. The schedule for the weekend included a lot of time to write and share with just each other. A few talks were given to keep us on the right path. The rules were 1. Write for 10 minutes using only "How something made me feel". 2. Share each letter with your spouse, allowing only 5 minutes each of listening and sharing of feelings from the letters. Example: Billy's letter" When you start an argument late at night, I am too tired to think and it makes me feel totally inadequate and a failure at meeting your needs " My (silent) response was "this is the only time I can get your attention" I learned to say "I am sorry that you feel inadequate to meet my needs" My letter would read,"when we argue, I don't feel heard. I feel invisable." Billy's response was" I am sorry that you feel like I don't see or hear you". We would end these exchanges with I love you and I want you to feel my love. This didn't solve any problems but it put us on the same team. We started a small group when we returned home of other couples like Norma and Bob Burlingame who wanted better marriages. After some time of weekly writing and sharing, we grew to really understand each other and started growing closer to that one flesh experience that we had before Billy went home. We all need to work this hard to discover the wonder in our spouse, friends, family and even strangers. His glory is in us. I love you and I believe you can have this love.

New Journey

I will resume the marriage stories tomorrow. Tonight, I want to tell you about my new journey in prison ministry. I started a small group today with a group of men using Billy's book and the questions after the chapters. It is still hard being in this unit, remembering all the small groups that Billy and I did together here. I don't want this group to be about me, but I knew after they read Billy's journal in the preface, that I needed to talk to them about who he was and how important faith and intimacy with God was to him. They asked the question that many people have asked me,"Did he know that he was going to die?" He knew it as much as you and I know that we will all die. As Christians we know we will be with the Lord so we are not afraid. Billy had a strong hunger to know intimacy with God on this earth. He spent times of silence and prayer on regular retreats. He spent many nights falling asleep reading his Bible. We both had weekly communion together in our home. We prayed together daily, well almost daily. He and I did these things because we knew life did not go well when we let any of these things slack. Joy with each other was parallel with intimacy with God. All this to say, his journal entries of a letter to himself from God and the next night a letter from him to God was a part of this search for more intimacy. I think God couldn't stand to not have all of him another day. This was the day God just reached down and said I will hold you in a way you will never forget. Come to Papa

Community

The word "community" means so many different things. For us at Redeemer in 1972,it meant being connected to other people in living out a daily life of commitment to Jesus in each other. I heard a sermon at Sugarland Vineyard this past Sunday about community. They were encouraging everyone to be apart of some small group. I agree. Billy and I knew that without community we wouldn't be married. So we were compelled to get help from our wiser friends when we had any unresolveable disagreements. At first we needed this counseling weekly. We could call and get help at nights and weekends. Someone was always available. I want to say a special thank you to Andy Austin for all the hours that he gave us. As we started to be more healed and stronger, we loved giving this experience away to other couples and individuals who needed help. I love to hear from people who felt like Billy and I helped them the way we were helped.

Can I Change?

When we made the commitment to give our marriage to God and to stay together,we moved into the neighborhood near the Church. We were both aware of our need for supernatural help to suceed in this marriage. We were compelled to receive everything that was offered. That included Tuesday night teachings, Friday night services, Sunday services. We loved everything, well almost everything. I started hearing about this "household living" that almost all of the congregation was participating in. They were using the scriptures about the church in Acts. The new believers at that time were sharing everything in common. Well,Jennifer, the extravert wanted no part of this. I liked my own home, space, privacy. I wanted more control of my life that this household plan allowed. I thought that I had convinced my quiet husband that we didn't need this part of the church life. Then,one day he came sheepishly to me and said that he felt the Lord told him that we should have a "household. "What, I screamed, No Way! Don't bring this up again". He quietly withdrew from the conversation. But, every week he would remind me that God had told him that we were to be involved in this church lifestyle. After about four weeks, I agreed to pray about what Billy was saying. I barely prayed the prayer, when I felt an unusual excitement about having people live with us. I immediately told Billy and withing a day we had a meeting with the Elders. I cried for days because I couldn't feel that initial joy any longer. A week later James Cappleman and Gay Johnson moved into our home. Our son Brad loved them. I loved this full home and family life. Meals were wonderful times of sharing and laughter. When Billy was too quiet, someone else would ask him what was going on. More people were in and out of our home for over 10 years. Many of these people I still hear from regularly. People from all over the world began to hear about this revival in the East End of Houston, Texas and come visit. I learned to love being alone and having quiet times with the Lord. I am more of an introvert while Billy excelled as a teacher and mentor. I believe God is always challenging us to get out of our comfort zones and learn to be full of everything that He has for us. Change!!!!

Thank God for Differences

* My friend Sarah Hightower just called to tell me how she and a friend are using Billy's book as a weekly study and report some personal discoveries. The only reason for this book is to lead others to more understanding of God in their lives. I was so blessed by my sweet friend taking the time to call me and tell me this news while she continues to take care of her wonderful husband who is attended to by hospice in their home. I love you Wayne and Sarah

Back to the story: Some people identify themselves as introverts and some extraverts. They use a definition that measures an introvert as a quiet person who prefers to be alone and an extravert as an outgoing, talkative person who always wants to be with people. Billy loved hitting golf balls at a range for hours and many individual projects. I intrepreted this as not wanting to be with me. My constant complaints were, "You don't want to talk to me, you must not love me. Later, I learned that an introvert ( Billy) could get energized by these alone activities. I was always energized by sharing and being with friends.(extravert) When we learned to listen to each other, we learned to love and compromise with these differences. We both changed. I became more disciplined and he began to share his feelings. Do you see how we needed both the intro and the extra?

God Appointments

Before I continue with the stories, I need to tell you that I have missed Billy terribly today. I see him everywhere and I remember everything that we did on 2007 and 2008. Maybe 9/11 had something to do with it. I know alot of people are grieving today. Losing someone you love is always difficult even though you know you will see them in heaven. Thank you for listening to my pain.

The God appointments began when I met Carol and Gene Antill. They were so kind to me. They spent time with me, talked to me about my situation and eventually told me about their faith in God the the church that had changed their lives. While this was comforting, I drove home and didn't give a thought to following through with them or their church. I had me to worry about. Billy and I got together to talk about the divorce. We needed to agree about the finances. After fighting for a half hour or so, I told him what a horrible person he was and he countered with all my character flaws. I had an idea in the middle of this argument. " Billy, let's go to church tonight to get better at talking. He immediately said, "OK". Look at the logic here. These two sentences don't go together. I called Carol and she directed me to the time and location of the service. When we walked in the back door, Carol was looking for us. We sat there in amazement. I had never experienced such joy or peace. The atmosphere was full of the presence of God. After the service, we drove home in silence. I don't remember who said it first, but we both said that we wanted to give our marriage to God and work this out. Remember, I told you that we had been married for 5 years,well, for the next 35 years we worked hard on this marriage. We had two more beautiful children and 8 grandchildren. All of our children married into families where
there is no divorce. I believe we have been given a family blessing of not just good, but great marriages because we were willing to say "yes to God in an impossible situation.

Marriage/Divorce

We were married on June 9,1967. Reality hits hard when you live in a fantasy, happily ever after world like I did. While Billy could write, he couldn't talk. I wanted to be with someone that constantly revealed their feelings and thoughts to me. I loved romance novels and soap operas. This marriage was not what I thought it should be. We fought(need I say more). Most young couples soon understand the shock of marriage verses dating. Ours was worse because I came from a divorced family. I wanted Billy to make up for everything that my father's absense had created in my needy heart. We did everything that couples do to distract themselves from reality. We had a baby and bought a house. That should make everything normal,right? After 5 years of this, we agreed to separate. This continued long enough that we couldn't stand each other and I filed for divorce. The divorce proceedings just produced more fighting. The marriage was dead.

INFATUATION

Billy and I met when I was 15 and he was 19. I was a sophomore at Bellaire HS in Bellaire, Texas. Billy was a Sophomore at Texas A&M. Everyone knew him because Bellaire won the State baseball title for several years and he was a key player. My friend, Sandy's sister Susan was Billy's good friend and her dad helped coach him in Little League. So when I was at her house and she introduced him to me, I was star struck. He didn't pay alot of attention to me, but I filed it away as"someday he is going to notice me".
The next year I went with Sandy to the State Tournament and I road in the back seat with, guess who, the famous Billy Crain. We talked and I flirted, so when we got back, he asked me to go to a movie. " This is it, I thought" I was right, Billy started writing me from school. I couldn't wait to get home from school and get his letters. I kept those letters in a suitcase in my closet for 45 years. I read them the other night and cried myself to sleep. To make a long story short. I went to school at TCU and we continued writing and dating. I loved following his baseball career and I loved being loved by him. The letters kept coming.

God is faithful

God is so faithful. My prayer this morning. "OK God where do I go next? He reminded me of my journal from September of last year. I was barely breathing regularly at that time. I went to the Villa de Matel and met with Sister Adeline. She was wonderful. She listened to me cry and then directed me to write a letter from my heart to God and then write to me His answers. This is from my journal.
"Lord what is this dark place that I am in and why do I have to be here with out my precious husband and the love that he gave me?

Jennifer, when I show you my face. When I show you my face, you will recognize the eyes of love that have always been on you. A new day is here. More love, not less. Don't be afraid. Can I love you less than Billy, I showed him how to love you. I know what you need. You are amazing and so is Billy. I love you and Billy and I want to show you our love even more.

Remember Jennifer, You are our forever Valentine"

God is showing me daily that there is a purpose for this temporary separation. I will be patient.
In the mean time I want more people to find this love.

Goal # 7

Goal # 7 in Dad's Lessons from the Sandlot states "Another goal will be something related to marriage- book,seminar,etc. Jennifer and I have a fabulous marriage. It took a lot of work. We have learned a lot; we have a lot of practical wisdom. How do we share it?" You can find this on page 145 in Billy's book. He regularly told me that we were going to write a book about marriage. Our marriage was not only a miracle but it kept growing stronger. People would comment that we seemed like newly weds.

A year ago I didn't know how to use a computer to type anything much less have any understanding of what a "blog" was. So here I am trying to start writing about my marriage of 40+ years without my husband and using a blog style on a computer. What a journey!!!

I wanted to start this with the last Valentine letter that I received.

MY FOREVER VALENTINE

JENNIFER IS MY FOREVER VALENTINE
SHE IS MY WIFE
SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND
SHE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL TODAY THAN THE DAY WE MET
WE SHARE GOD'S LOVE TOGETHER,
AND THE GIFT OF HIS SON,
AND THE LIFE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.
SHE ENCOURAGES ME.
SHE CALLS THE BEST OUT OF ME.
SHE SHOWS ME HOW TO BE INTIMATE,
SHE LOVES ME.
SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

JENNIFER IS MY FOREVER VALENTINE
.................................................................................
The above is from last year..did you remember it?
This little gift is just a small token of your worth to me.
I love you so totally I can't even explain it.
I love you so much I can't comprehend it myself.
So I just want to say... I love.

Your loving husband,
Billy

I hope that in some way we can encourage young marriages to fight for this incredible gift of being one with God and your spouse.

Fort Bend Focus Article

We are excited about the article in the September issue of Fort Bend Focus. We appreciate Sharon and her hard work. Check it out! Be sure to scroll down to page 90 on the left.

http://www.fortbendfocus.com/focussite/pagelink/magazine.html