Friendships

When life gets tough, most of us desparately need those around us that will hold us, pray for us and be very patient with us as well walk in this daze of "what happened to my life". I am learning that God wants me to hold out open hands to new people as well as people from my past and receive from them the life-giving blessing of the day. Let me tell you about a few of my recent gifts. Anthea is editing this new book we are putting together. She is also giving me gentle nudges to move out into promoting myself as a speaker. Carol is always praying and encouraging me.Meredith is my new counselor in grief ( not really a professional but very good at finding life after being torn apart by grief) I was able to encourage a recent widow friend, Chris, who lost her husband after 40 years of marriage. None of us live in a cave alone. We MUST have each other. Those others MUST know and love God and be able to share their faith with us. I bless you all to find these life-gving relationships that will help you discover God's new plans for you. Jeremiah 29: 11."I know the plans that I have for you, plans for a hope and a future."

God's Grace

His loving hand of grace enters my life every day. Last weekend I spend the weekend with friends from my past. Lance and Francie Cobb invited me for the weekend and I found myself driving from Houston to Ft.Worth without a thought about the duties that I was leaving behind. They even wanted my dog, Lula to come. What amazing people!! The protection and gentle listening from friends who knew and loved Billy was priceless. Add to that the care Alan and Shirley Koonce, who also loved Billy, added to the weekend. Let me explain. Shirley wanted to give me a grief book entitled A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. She and Francie talked about how to get together and give the book to me. The plan was made to get together on Sunday. I sat outside with the two couples on a beautiful afternoon in Ft.Worth, Texas. ( This is the city that Billy proposed to me) When the guys started talking about the days of old with baseball stories that included Billy, I thought I was in a warm bath on a cold day just basking in the knowledge that I am loved and remembered. I can't explain how comforting that conversation was. The confusion of the last few years has made me feel like my past was irrelevant. This day brought back feelings that God not only knows my pain and loss but He also knows how special my past with Billy was and maybe still is somehow. Today I sit here reading this book about someones loss of a wonderful spouse. I am reminded that yesterday exists in everyones heart and the love we have had is still present. While God is healing the loss, He is also reminding us that He loves the stories of the past. Past, Present and Future all are alive in Him. He is the Alfa and the Omega. Love your past just don't live in it. The Present brings the Grace and the Future offers the Hope. For anyone experiencing Loss, I highly recommend this book.

He Watches Everything

I haven't written in almost 6 weeks. That seems strange since last September I was writing almost everyday. I have felt separated from personal and meaningful words from the Lord lately. Have you ever had periods of time when nothing came to you in prayer or in experiences that let you understand more of His love or presence in your life? I know that I need to continually press forward or I will drift backwards. Even though I know this, I really felt nothing. What a confession after all He has done for me!! I read in "Streams in the Desert" that God is not in our feelings. I believe that ,but I must say feelings can be overwhelming. Just when I was believing the lie that God was not really watching all the little things in my life that would bring me peace, security or joy, HE SHOWED UP. This is how..... I recently adopted a puppy. A neighbor of my daughter had some puppies that she needed to sell. When she brought this cute toy party snauzer over, I knew this was the companion that I needed. The rest is history and her name is Lula (after my grandmother). Oh yes, and the "rest of the story".... One of my online banking accounts had several security questions and pictures to open the account. The picture that I picked over 2 years ago was Lula. Her size,coloring, breed is the same as this picture. Remember, I could have picked a truck, a tree, a flower, a bird ...anything. God knew 2 years ago that He was going to place this dog in my life and remind me that He knew she was coming. He loves me. Oh How He Loves Me and He Loves You too. Look for Him.

What Do You Know About Yourself?

I am sure that you hear people say "well that's just who I am". I hear it often when someone is justifying some behavior or opinion. No one wants to use the SIN word anymore , but did you know that our Heavenly Father calls bad behavior SIN. We all do it everyday. He even warns us about that. It is our nature to SIN. But, excuses are never OK. The main reason that we should be just as opposed to it as Daddy is that it always separates us from others and Him. Billy and I had such a wonderful marriage because we learned to not only apologize when we exhibited one of those behaviors but we also agreed to let the other probe to the root cause of that behavior. The root was often lodged deep in our hearts from judgements and unforgiveness that was placed there from a painful past experience. The festering wound could rise up at any time and defile almost anyone but expecially a loved one. How many marriages could be saved , families restored ,friendships mended if we all could quickly acknowledge our bad behavior and then pray and confess the root. This last process would set us on a journey to be more like Jesus. "I am a child of God, made in the image of God and being restored to the likeness of Him. Oh Yes, What does a child of God look like? Most often these traits are found in the descriptions like, (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness, Self-Control) I challenge you to descover your true self. Love ya, Mom, Nana, Jennifer

Which Way Are You Looking?

Over and over Scripture tells us to look up. Look to Jesus. Look forward (for the joy set before Him, Jesus endured the Cross). It is so easy to focus on the problems or circumstances, feelings or physical pain of the moment. This circumstance is usually screaming "Pay Attention to ME". How do you then turn away and look up or forward? I have watched my Lord over and over gently point me in that positive direction. I must get very quiet to see or hear His direction. Even getting quiet is not the natural human reaction to a problem. Do you remember a parent or teacher telling you to count to 10 before you respond in anger? Maybe in those 10 seconds, we can allow our emotions to separate themselves from our thoughts and especially our words. In those moments we have the opportunity to look up and see His answer, His words, His plans and choose His response. I had that opportunity the other day, when a person that I was counseling responded sarcastically to a comment that I had made. I felt that fire inside and a equally sarcastic comment was forming in my mouth. I was able to count and pray. Out of my mouth came an apology for the miscommunication. The person accepted the apology and then offered one of their own. I really believe that only God can keep us humans in loving relationships. We are so focused on our own pain that we forget to look up and see the pain He endured to free us. Those whom God has freed are free indeed. God bless you my loved ones.

Routines

I still can't catch my breath. Even though it has been 2 plus years of being a widow, everyday my mind,emotions, and body beat differently than they did before. Actually, my heart skips beats that were regular. I question these changes all the time and wonder when I will settle into a new routine, one that has some predictable or at least recognizable patterns. I think about ways to honor my previous life and try to listen to God's directions to follow His plan for my future. Remember, He knows the plans that He has for me. They are for a hope and a future. I spend time with a lot of people who haven't had this complete of a distruption. When with them, I can't help wondering if they would do something different, better, or worse than I am. I know, I know, don't compare. Not easy. I have learned to live one day at a time. And, I have found grace in those 24 hours. I am looking for something that I can't make happen. Maybe you are too. I think that something, is knowing the purpose is still there. After a dream is gone, is there a new one and did the old one just end. Again, I have found His Grace in focusing on the Big Future. His coming Kingdom. But, where is the little purpose that provides routines and comfort zones. Let's consider that the "little purpose" is faithfulness. It is like that sweet kindergarden child ( my Seth or Ava) They will learn their purpose as they complete those worksheets and learn how to read. I see it, Lord. Forgive me again for impatience. I pray for you and me to have patience to be faithful in the little things. I will not despise the day of small steps. I love you.

Never Fail

Wouldn't that be great to know that you could "never fail"? Most of us, including me, are afraid of trying new things, especially if we think that we might fail. I have done so many things these last two years out of shear nessesity that I have lost count. That must be one of the reasons that the Lord allows these trials. I don't think most of us would even try new things if we didn't have to. I have learned that my mind needs to stay on the REASON for my life. It is not that I never have problems, or never fall short in something. It is getting up every morning and telling Him that this day is His and I am living it with Him and for Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. At the end of the day, I thank Him for all the good things of the day and release to Him the things I am trying to be concerned about. I seem to need a plan to keep me on track. The plan comes in my quiet time in the morning. Today's plan from the NIV is from 2Peter 1:3-11. " His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us VERY GREAT AND PRECIOUS PROMISES..........Make every effort to add to your faith goodness and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control and to self-control, perseverance and to perseverance godliness and to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness love."....... And guess what!!!!! ......" If you do these things YOU WILL NEVER FALL" or FAIL. What a great promise. All I have to do is try these things, ask forgiveness when I fall short. The grace of my Daddy, picks me up and I hear Him tell me "Well Done." I say to you all who are working on your life of faith, "Well Done" Great will be your reward.

I love you all,
Mom, Nana, Jennifer

Resurrection Day

This is the day 2 years ago that our beloved husband, father and friend went into the arms of His Father and His Lord and friend, Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit that lived mightily in Billy Crain. We are missing him but convinced that we will see Him again. For us (His Family) we have the force of gravity that grounds us to this earth but we also have a Glory that defines us. I personally am trying to walk more in this Glory. Even this I can't do by myself. I pray for patience and courage to wait. Wait to see Jesus and my Heavenly Father: Wait to see Billy and wait to see others that have gone before. There is work to be done. Others need to know Jesus like Billy does. Others need that intimacy with the Lord that Billy walked in, showed us and told us. He blessed our family over and over. We can't lose the blessing that our husband and father spoke over us. May our spirits let go more and more of this gravity ( this holding our thoughts and feelings to things of earth). May our minds, thoughts and emotions hope, obey, wait and love. I believe God gave Billy and I both natural and adopted "children" who are going to follow in our spiritual paths. You all will be blessed like in Isaiah 61:9 " Then their offspring will be known among the nations. And their descendants in the midst of the peoples. All who see them will recognize them Because they are the offspring whom the Lord has blessed. I love you, Jennifer, Mom, Nana

Amazed

I do stand amazed at the blessings that God gives me every time that I go to volunteer at prison. Last week, I started two new groups. On Wednesday, the guys are reading Billy's book. Some of them were crying about the stirring God was placing on their hearts about their own stories and how much God pursued them while they were running away from Him. They really love Jesus. It is convicting to me. I want to never let Jesus out of my mind or heart. The second group meets on Tuesdays. These men have started writing their own stories. About 6 men read their stories. Each story was to follow a guideline of 1. a personal story and 2. the story must be read in less than 5 minutes. After the story is read, the others made positive comments about how the story affected them. They were very vulnerable in sharing these events in their lives. They commented that writing and reading the story brought more awareness of how God really was there in these events. Our prayer is that some of these stories will help others who can't get out of the negative cycles and/or blame God for their problems. Maybe, God is putting together another book. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Several keep telling me to write a book about my marriage. I think I have heard that before. If you get a chance, please read some of my stories from September 2009. God bless you all to be amazed at HIS HAND IN YOUR LIFE

Yes, He Loves Me

Today I started another group at prison using Billy's book. The class of 10 men were amazing from the start. The questions that they asked about the book were very insiteful. But, a surprize came in the middle of the class when several of the men gave me words that I felt were from Heaven. One man said that he felt that God was so in love with Billy and felt such intimacy with him that He couldn't have the separation anymore. I can't tell you how surprized I was to hear the same thing that I felt about why God took Billy when He did. Another quoted from Enoch and Elijah's stories of going home to God without dying. They expressed the need to have that same intimacy with God that Billy, Elijah and Enoch had. Several said that the desire of their hearts was to walk with God all day, in every situation and relationship. I left there feeling blessed by Daddy in a new way. He showed me how closely He watches me and sent me connections and words that expressed His love for me while I thought I was there to help others. I guess these lessons of love and faithful are always a two way street. Remember, when you give, you receive.

Daddy Loves Me

The class that I volunteer on Tuesday nights at prison started again this week. There are 54 men in this group and 8 volunteers. We use the material that Jack Frost of Shiloh Ministries published called "Embracing the Father's Heart". The purpose of these lessons is to open the men to the challenge that because they have wounding in their lives from fathers and mothers, they have difficulty really experiencing the love of God the Father. When you can't experience love then you can't give it to others and you stay sick. God created us for Love. As usual, I see something in my own life when I watch the Jack Frost video. This time, I felt the pain that I felt as a child from my father's absence due to his alcoholism and my parents divorce. I have dealt with this issue before; forgiven my father and mother and felt peace about them.But tonight, I realized how much this absence from Billy in my life, felt similar to that old wound. Maybe that is why I struggle so with feeling that God loves me from a distance now, while he used to feel close to me.I have experienced God's hand in my life in many ways in the last two years, but I cry and pray often to have that deep experience of being enveloped in His Presence. I will pray some more about forgiving my earthly dad for his absence. I will write some more about this later. This is a process not a paragraph. I love you all.Jennifer. Mom

Confirmation

When Andy Austin arranged for me to give a talk at St.Timothy's Anglican Church in September 2009, I was trying to hear God about how to tell people what He (The Lord) was doing in my life. I hoped that what I was learning through this wilderness was something that could be beneficial to others. That Sunday was the first of several talks that I did in 2009. I was really surprised when the ladies of St.Timothy's asked me to help them by speaking on Sunday at their womens' retreat last weekend. As I prayed about this request, I felt that loving hand of God showing me that He was ordering my steps and had surprise plans ahead. I went to the retreat for the entire weekend. I again felt led that it was as much about getting to know these women as it was what I was going to say. I arrived to a warm greeting, which immediately settled any nervousness about not knowing anyone. As the weekend progressed, I was honored to hear their stories and how many had survived wilderness journeys. I am more convinced that ever that our God is a master weaver and He is making all of our stories into a beautiful tapestry that will provide for us more than we can ask or imagine. I left the weekend with some more great friends. Listen to Psalm 90:11-17."Who understands the power of your anger and your fury, according to the fear that is due you?So teach us to number our days, that we may present to you a heart of wisdom. Do return, O Lord, How long will it be? And be sorry for Your sevants. O satisfy us in the morning with your lovingkindness, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad according to the days You have afflicted us. And the years we have seen evil. Let Your work appear to you servants and Your majesty to their children. LET THE FAVOR OF THE LORD OUR GOD BE UPON US:AND CONFIRM FOR US THE WORK OF OUR HANDS:YES CONFIRM THE WORK OF OUR HANDS. He is confirming the work of all our hands but we continue to pray for more confirmation.

Unfinished

The stories that most of us repeat are from our past. Example: "There was a time when Brad was 6 and he and Billy rode bikes around the block. Brad fell and broke his jaw in three places. This was my due date for Hayley and I was tramatized with my child having to be in surgery and have his jaw wired. The end of the story is that God healed Brad quickly and Hayley had a safe delivery." When I see God's faithfulness in the past , the current stories that are unfinished have the same understanding. Problems come when I put a time frame on this ending of the story. I want to be free from the pain of this grief and daily missing Billy. Every anniversary or birthday is a reminder that he isn't here. Did I tell you that his birthday is April 22? I spend a lot of time praying and thanking the Lord that I will see Billy again in Heaven, that God will finish the work that He is doing in me and my family, that the Lord is with me, watching me, guiding me. Even though the final ending is wonderful, I have to work hard to let the daily stories have good conclusions. I have to take my thoughts captive to allow my emotions to retain more positive than negative. The story for today includes, reading the Bible with Ava, taking some groceries to Hayley ( Tyler is sick),seeing a deer run across my property just now, appreciating my good health today, and thanking God that the printer for the computer is working, and yes, talking and praying with Carol. I pray that we can leave our hands open to receive the good that God is doing for us today and continue to release the difficult. I love you, My Friends.

Jesus is Enough

I hunger and thirst for the face of Lord, for the hugs of the Father, for the love I feel for them to grow. I appreciate the small things and the large things that They, with the Holy Spirit, provide for me. I depend on Them for everything. Apart from God, I have nothing. Yet, I will enjoy the children this Easter and appreciate the health and provision that we enjoy. There is always an awareness of this gap between my weak understanding and my hope for the future. Today reminds me that Jesus was willing to go to the cross for my future. I cannot hold that gift lightly.I am willing to pick up my crosses daily to serve others as a token of my love and appreciation for Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit's commitment to me and all that I love.
Love is never easy. Love costs. Love is serving, giving, giving up, waiting, choosing good feelings and words over the negative. Love is not complaining. Jesus never complained about having to lay His life down for us. Lord, grant us all more strength in our inner being to serve you and others with gladness and singleness of heart. He has Risen. He has Risen. He has Risen.

No More Shame

This blog is a combination of my experience, scripture, and Billy's teaching material. Shame causes us to focus on ourselves rather than on the glory of God. The problem that must be overcome is that for God's light to shine through us we must be transparent. And if we are transparent then the cracks, nicks and imperfections can be seen by others. Paul tells us to focus on the treasure inside, which is God,not the vessel. (1 John 2:28,"And now, little children, abide in Him, so that when He appears, we may have confidence and not shrink away from Him in SHAME at His coming. Read this as if the Lord is coming to you every day, and every day you have the choice to run to Him or away from Him...shame will determine what you do. My friends in my group at prison are quick to confess that they had a problem with anger with each other or the "system", they are willing to admit that it is their problem and then seek prayer and forgiveness as well as search for the root that causes this sin to continue. It is not easy for anyone to express weakness but especially for men and even more for men who have their lives controlled by the State. John Piper in his book, "Don't Waste Your Life", says" What you love determines what you feel shame about. If you love for men to make much of you, you will feel shame when they don't. But if you love for men to make much of Christ, then you will feel shame if he is belittled on your account." Friends, that is why we must admit our weakness and ask God to clean us up. He is in the restoration business and He loves to take shame off of us. Remember He died for you to have this gift.

Blessings

I think the Lord is prompting me to start getting Billy's Blessings together to put in a book. I really need your prayers. I have spent most of this rainy, Saturday reading the almost 150 blessings that he sent us every Monday morning. Certainly, I have cried a lot, but I have also felt encouraged by Billy and the Lord about how much we are loved. I want others to have some of these words spoken into their lives. It was amazing the thought and preparation that he put into these blessings. To help you understand the importance of blessing, you need to read how Jesus blessed the little children.Mark 10:15-16. He took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them. We want to take them (our loved ones) in our arms, make them laugh and give them something. What is the most important thing that we can give them (ourselves or others)? It is words of blessing.The word blessing can mean the endowment of the power of God's goodness and favor,usually through the spoken word and often with the accompanying act of the laying on of hands.It can also means words of honor and appreciation. Billy's words still have power in the lives of our children and grandchildren and most definitely me. I think they would for others. Let me know what you think.

Winter is Past

A verse in the Songs of Songs has been in my head for months. " The Winter is Past and the Spring has come; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come,the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." The trees that you see in my opening page have changed from tall brown sticks to full green leaves over night. I am ready to sing with the doves and dance with my Lord. We all have experienced the hard winter and yet we did survive. Our roots are deeper than we can see. The fruit of love is in our lives. I met new friends in Dallas and my faithful friends continue to call, my children have blessed me with a clean garage and new flowers in the place of all that died this winter. But, the miracle is that I now have a new expectancy that even more life is coming. God doesn't just clean us up and give back what was lost, (yes, He does those things) but He gives back what the enemy has stolen with increase. He is going to give me more than I can ask or imagine. Why? Because He loves me and I am His beautiful one. You are too. I bless you to know His Love more than ever this springtime.

Faithful Friend

I felt like God wanted me to tell you about Carol. Carol is the person other than my son, Brad that comments almost everyday on my blog. But, she does much more. I know that I could not have made it through these last almost 2 years without her. She calls me "Every morning", yes, "Every morning". She prays with me about ALL of my concerns, pain, confusion, and plans. She is even available to me during the day and sometimes calls me on my way home from one of my trips. She constantly reminds me that the Lord sees me, loves me, and is always with me. I think that we might even share a mansion in Heaven. The only thing we would be concerned about would be Organic food or the thermostat. That is an inside joke. I love her so much because she has showed God's love to me more than I could have imagined. I hope you all have friends like Carol. Now that I think about it, we all want God to call us His friends. He said that Moses was His friend. I know that Billy was His friend (and mine). I want to work at being a friend of God. That means that I talk to Him several times a day. I tell Him all of my concerns and Listen to His concerns for His Kingdom. I really know His heart. Do you know the what is in the heart of God, today, for you? Ask Him. He wants to be your friend. Oh, yes, and are you a friend like Carol?

Surprises

I have shared with you before that the devotions in the book "God Calling" always speak to me, but March 7 was prophetic. It described what God did for me March 4,5,6 and 7. Listen:" I love to prepare a feast for my disciples- a little glad surprise, not a necessity, as the feeding of the multitude may have seemed. I loved to give the wine-gift at the marriage feast. As you love to plan surprises for those who understand, and joy in them,so with Me. I love to plan them for those who see My Love and tender Joy in them."--Last Thursday I arrived in Dallas for a weekend in a hotel to babysit my grandchildren while their parents went to a healing conference. I scheduled my trip a day earlier because I had friends in the Dallas area that I wanted to see. I was blessed to spend almost 4 hours with a friend that not only read the book but told me that it was life changing for her. I had not seen this friend for about 30 years. Our time was more than I could have imagined. My evening plans did not materialize because my friend was ill. I started to question if I should have come an extra day but felt like God wanted me to get out of my comfort zone and spend some time in the beautiful lobby. I was very uncomfortable sitting by myself until this beautiful young couple started talking to me. They were engaged and expressed a desire to serve God by honoring him in their relationship. I told them that I was a counselor and we began an hours worth of sharing about the amazing marriage I had and the commitment that Billy and I had to work through all difficulties with Christ as the center. They asked questions about how they could improve their relationship. What a connection! Then the surprize...they invited me out to a feast at the Texas de Brazil restaurant. Do you think Jesus was the chef? Maybe....Thank you Lord for loving me so much. I was still smiling in the morning. I'll tell you about my next surprises tomorrow. Bless you, my friends.

Finding Your Way

I went to Austin this weekend to celebrate Bob Woodson's 80th birthday. He and Topsy are the healthiest, most energetic and joyful people I know. They both are an inspiration. Leslie and I left for the party Saturday morning with complete directions from mapquest and confidence that we would easily find our way. "Lost" is too strong of a word for our travels, but we did make many circles and redirections. As the lady on my Garmen says "recalculating." When we finally arrived at the motel that we would be staying, we found an "adventure" Let's just say it was not what we expected or preferred. We laughed a lot but I slept very lightly to be ready for any surprises that I thought could come our way. Even with all the joy of the weekend, Sunday nights are still difficult for me. What is this week going to bring? I pray For new directions and maps from the Lord that will help me see the bigger picture. He doesn't seem to answer this question. But, Maybe ....This is what I read in my devotional book "Jesus Calling" this morning. "I am leading you, step by step through your life.Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy-even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things." I guess He did answer me. He never leaves me so I will trust HIM with the map.